By Marlene Greenspan, MA, LP
Relatives come in all different ways. Some are closer and others are farther, both geographically and emotionally. No matter how mature some people may be, when they find themselves close to their parents, they may regress in behavior, attitude, and speech. Relationships reflect these connections and present as problems on many levels when grown-ups, without even realizing it, relapse into their adolescent roles in the larger interaction scenarios. Often this brings great amusement to the children who observe firsthand the way their parents respond to their grandparents, recognizing their own interaction before their parents notice it. It appears to be a natural or automatic regression, although there are many people who catch themselves and prevent the relapse. Most interesting is that the word “relative” has a double meaning, first in terms of connections to others, and second in suggesting comparisons.
In exploring the connections that people have with each other, we find that these begin at least at birth, if not earlier. When people relate to an infant, they may regard her as a gift from above – or a problem to be worked out. Often the more negative the parent’s perception of the child, the more difficult the child may be. This likely arises from the child’s sensing some rejection or lack of confidence and trying to get more attention or more caring from the adult caretaker. This cycle occurs frequently after a child is born when crying nights exhaust parents who have to function the next day. It becomes even worse for a period of time as the nights accumulate and escalate, but should be relatively temporary.
As children grow through their various stages until they reach adulthood, their interactions also change in mood and attitude. Some children learn to keep to themselves so that they stay out of trouble, thereby gaining some approval. Others become very demanding and seem to need an endless amount of energy to satisfy their every need. Still others fall along the spectrum between the two extremes and find a balance that works for them in their own lives. Parents must be careful not to compare behaviors and successes out loud, which can create more problems than necessary.
As new family members get used to each other and also have opportunities to rest and relax to a certain degree, the situation improves, although they may still have residual effects in the parent-child relationships. It is the parent, as the older and more experienced family member, who must take the leadership responsibility in each situation, painful or unfair as it may sound. That helps guide the family through the adolescent stages and family issues from birth to adulthood. It is very unlikely that people will always get along more than most of the time because each one has his own issues.
Now what about the parents? When they find themselves in the position of child again with their own parents, they may automatically relapse into their childhood roles again, as discussed. They can flip flop back and forth between their own roles as parent and as child, or they can listen to themselves teaching their children how to behave in an adult way regardless of the temptation and activate their own wisdom, difficult though it may seem.
Now what about the grandparents? They enjoy and may even facilitate the backward surge. One woman tells the story of how she lived far from her parents’ home and was delighted that they were finally able to come for a visit. Within the hour of their arrival she found herself arguing with her mother over nonsense and asked herself why, but had no answer. She mentioned it to her mother and apologized, but her mother’s answer to her was: “Now I know that you still love me!”
Relationships are always two-way streets, but keeping a sense of humor and a bit of insight always helps. Also, recognizing that as people grow they can substitute childish behavior for adult behavior makes for more comfortable interactions and more pleasant enjoyment of what each person has to offer for a long and fulfilling relationship.
Marlene Greenspan, MA, LP maintains a private practice, and is the director of Counseling for Better Living. For many years, Marlene has created social skills programs, written weekly Counseling Corner articles, given workshops, taught classes, and published journal articles for professional organizations such as Nefesh, ACA, ASCA, and the OU. She is trained in EMDR and Ericksonian Hypnosis training. Marlene can be reached at: counselingforbetterliving@gmail.com. Visit her blog: www.counselingforbetterliving.com.