I wonder if you have any suggestions for pulling out of what feels like a tailspin these last few weeks. I had been doing really well at work, at home, and in my learning and davening and suddenly I feel like I just lost all interest. It’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, I push off my chavrusah, and I am not paying attention at home or work. It seems to have come from nowhere. I know it will pass and I will get it together but I wish I could understand it and learn to pull myself out of these things before they get in the way of things that are important to me. My friend says I “self sabotage.” Maybe. Can you please help me out. Thank you.
Response:
Without more specific information, your question can only be answered with generalities. I will assume that you have experienced no new or unusual stressors, and that there are no obvious triggers that might have generated negative emotions.
I mention obvious triggers because we all experience emotions that do not necessarily correlate to the situation at hand. We all feel too strongly about certain things or at certain times. From a simplistic perspective, this is due to unconscious impulses that make us feel as though we are in danger, and can cause feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and other negative emotions. This is normal. No person feels exactly as they “should” all the time.
However, there are times when triggered emotions become problematic. They might be emotionally overwhelming, or they might prevent us from functioning at our normal levels. This too can be normal, depending on frequency, duration, and severity.
I don’t know whether you have experienced similar episodes in the past. If so, I don’t know how often they occur or how long they last. I don’t know whether the severity increases or decreases throughout these episodes (or this episode).
I don’t know if you have seen a therapist. If you have, I don’t know whether any of the above-mentioned possible causes were identified or addressed. Assuming that you have explored these and other possibilities, and that there are no clear stressors or triggers, there are likely underlying issues and/or less obvious triggers that are contributing to your emotional response.
Often, issues related to self-esteem impact our general mood. Since self-esteem is basically how we think and feel toward ourselves, it may not be something that we identify or consider a reason for negative emotions. However, low self-esteem can significantly affect our general mood and may be triggered suddenly, without warning or clear understanding. (In past columns, I have discussed self-esteem in some detail.)
With regard to your friend’s mention of “self-sabotage,” I don’t know exactly what they meant by this. Simply put, self-sabotage refers to thoughts or behaviors that hinder success. Based on this definition, you may well be self-sabotaging. However, once again, to some degree this is normal. The question becomes whether it is problematic in terms of frequency, duration, or severity. If, for example, you have low self-esteem, which causes you to devalue your achievements, this can lead to further negative self-thoughts, in turn causing negative actions (like oversleeping, lack of accomplishment, etc.). These, of course, serve to reinforce your low self-esteem, thus completing the cycle.
In this example, work might focus on identifying the aspects of the cycle that can be addressed most quickly or efficiently. However, this is only an example. Identifying and addressing the possible causes for your symptoms is a comprehensive process that is best addressed by a professional.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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