Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses various scenarios where a person causes another’s death intentionally but not directly. For example, tying someone up in a situation where the sun will rise and cause them to die from heatstroke. This is known as gramma—an indirect causation—which is not punishable in a Jewish court but is among the many sins that incur a heavenly death penalty. However, in terms of monetary damages on objects, if a person was designated as a watchman, he would be liable for grama.
The Ohr HaChaim (Bereishis 4:8) interprets the verses describing Kayin’s murder of Hevel as also occurring through indirect means. He suggests that Kayin somehow tricked Hevel into becoming trapped underground and then left him there to suffocate.
With this introduction, Eishel Avraham (Bereishis) applies this understanding to Kayin’s dialogue with God. Kayin says (ibid. 9), “Am I my brother’s watchman?” Meaning to say: “Shall I be liable like a watchman for indirect damages? I didn’t do it—the dirt did it to him!” To this, God responds (ibid. 10), “The voice of the blood of your brother calls out to Me”, Meaning: “True, in a human court you are not held liable, but in the Heavenly court, you are. His blood calls out to Me, demanding justice.”
Kayin’s original response to God has a particularly sarcastic tone, stemming from his guilt and defensiveness—something not commonly found in scripture. Another example of sarcasm in Tanach occurs when Bnei Yisrael, panicked and believing they faced certain doom as Pharaoh’s army closed in by the Red Sea, complained:
“Is there a shortage of graves in Egypt that you had to bring us out to the wilderness to die?” (Shemos 14:11)
Sarcasm is a distinctly human form of communication, employing irony to convey criticism and hostility indirectly. Often, sarcasm is passive-aggressive, used by those who do not feel empowered to express themselves directly. People resort to passive-aggressiveness when they feel powerless—either due to external factors (such as an overbearing authority) or internal struggles (such as insecurity or fear of direct confrontation).
In both the case of Kayin and that of Bnei Yisrael, sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness emerge from a sense of being cornered—Kayin when confronted by God, and Bnei Yisrael when they felt trapped between the sea and Pharaoh’s army. This powerlessness and fear allow aggression to surface only indirectly.
Generally, sarcasm is a poor communication technique because instead of fostering dialogue, it sets up an oppressor vs. victim dynamic. In most relationships, even when one party struggles with being collaborative or respectful, a firm yet direct challenge—delivered without intense emotions—tends to be more effective than sarcasm.
Sarcastic remarks often carry the poisonous sting of contempt, which can erode relationships (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Instead of opening a conversation, sarcasm acts as a conversation closer, shifting responsibility away from oneself and onto others.
Consider Kayin’s words to God and Bnei Yisrael’s complaint to Moshe:
“Why should I be burdened with watching my brother?”
“Why did you drag us out of Egypt? I didn’t need to leave to die in the wilderness—I had plenty of graves back there.”
Both statements essentially mean: “What do you want from me?” Instead of admitting, “There is a problem I need to take responsibility for,” or, “I must be vulnerable and acknowledge my fears.”
Of course, if one is truly dealing with an oppressor who has no capacity for self-reflection or collaboration, then sarcasm may be the only means of expression. However, the problem is that in most conflict-ridden relationships, people assume the other party is entirely unreasonable and unreachable, so sarcasm becomes part of a hopeless cycle. But this cycle is also self-reinforcing: When the other party is demonized and treated as impossible to work with, sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness ensue, which do not invite collaboration.
A classic example is a person who must care for an elderly parent. Let us imagine that aside from legitimate needs, there is also a history of narcissism and dependency. Such individuals often bemoan how they ‘hate to be a burden’—while paradoxically making themselves even more of a burden by seeking constant reassurance that they are not.
Caretakers in this situation might become sarcastic, short, and dismissive, as they feel unable to genuinely express their struggles. It is difficult to honestly say something like:
“It’s a tough situation, but we are family. You can also help by keeping a positive attitude, being a source of encouragement instead of guilt and sadness. The best way you can be ‘less of a burden’ is by trying to be as independent as possible and working toward recovery.”
But now I will be sarcastic: Who really says that? - Especially to an elderly parent who wasn’t particularly empathetic or flexible even when fully alert and well?
And yet, is sarcasm more effective?
Perhaps this is part of what we pray for daily in Birchos HaShachar:
“Let it be Your will…that I be spared from brazen people and from brazenness…”
Sarcasm is a form of brazenness, a defense mechanism that replaces vulnerable, honest dialogue. In this tefillah, we ask not only for the wisdom to use sarcasm sparingly but also for relationships that nurture healthier forms of communication.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation 
If you liked this, you might enjoy my Relationship Communications Guide. Click on the link above.
Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families as well male sexual health. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com