Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

December 6th, 2014

This is the first blog post on the new Nefesh website, so I think an existential question is in order. Why does this page exist? As professionals in the mental health field, we have much to share with the world. And especially as Orthodox Jews in this profession of giving, we are in a unique position to contribute to our community. But as psychotherapists, we have a responsibility to carefully maintain our public image. We take much care in what …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

December 13th, 2014

One of the first questions I ask new clients is if they have ever been in therapy before. If they have, it is tremendously helpful to know what was helpful for them in the past, and what wasn’t; what they liked about their previous therapist or therapists, and what they didn’t. Most of the answers wouldn’t shock you. People like therapists who care, who are human; who know what they are doing, or at least seem to; who are direct …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

December 18th, 2014

My brother quoted a beautiful thought from Rav Chaim Shmulevitz. Permit me to paraphrase. Why do we celebrate the slow-burning oil as opposed to, well, victory against all odds and staying alive? Rav Chaim Shmulevitz answers that it is often the little things that showcase love best. Hashem saved our lives, sure, but the big picture can get lost quickly in the minutiae of daily living. It is the small, subtle, often unexpected gifts that can show …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

January 3rd, 2015

Watch your language! No, not the words you can’t say on TV, or their permutations. I’m talking here about the words we use to describe ourselves and others. Words like Stupid, Bad, and (my favorite) Pathetic. Do you use these words in your speech, or even quietly, in your own mind? While looking at yourself in the mirror? When you catch yourself doing something you don’t want to be doing? How about when describing something, or …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

January 10th, 2015

Reading the newspaper Thursday evening, the headline jumped out at me. How could it be? A respected clinician, using such a word? (Especially after I just wrote a blog post about it last week?) The headline read “Pathetic…” and the brief piece mentioned some couple’s behavior that seemed disconnected and unhealthy. Fair enough. But the word choice bothered me. We all speak this way. It’s a part of our vernacular, ou …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

January 17th, 2015

Thursday. I didn’t mind the train ride, but I wasn't looking forward to it either. I sat down, lost in my thoughts, not really paying attention to my surroundings. I looked to my right, and a word scrawled in block letters on the pole came into focus, blue marker on stainless steel: PRAY. Good idea. Immediately, I felt more present. I became aware of myself as a passenger in the subway car, and I observed myself as a participant in my own l …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

January 24th, 2015

Maybe this is a New York thing, but I find that many of us are quick to judge. It’s evident in the way we talk about ourselves and other people. Myself included. Can you relate to this problem? Shul, in particular, is a judgement minefield. There are so many people, and davening is so long. It’s only a matter of time before our thoughts start to drift. We look around, we see the way others are behaving, and we jump to judgement. Why i …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

January 31st, 2015

Looking for a laugh? Check out the Letters to the Editor section of your local Jewish newspaper. These sections seem to be a place for anyone and everyone to share their grievances. We all have things that bother us; we would hardly be human if we didn’t. But not all us of are inclined to share our comments so publicly (and often anonymously). A letter caught my eye a few weeks ago. The topic was the perceived immodest dress of community wo …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

February 7th, 2015

I had a conversation with a colleague, Yehuda Alcabes, earlier today about running into clients outside of the office. We had both had some clumsy encounters, and it was fun to talk about. The question we were left with is: as therapists, how concerned do we need to be about our clients seeing us differently than we would like to be seen? Do you want to run into your client at a Zumba class? At a ballgame with beer in hand? At Dunkin Donuts, in a …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

February 14th, 2015

I like quotes; a good one can quickly deliver a powerful message. For example, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” I have quotes posted in various places in my office. “Begin Anywhere.” “Keep it simple.” I have song quotes, the Serenity Prayer, and a Winnie the Pooh cartoon. I recently added a small blackboard to my office (replacing a print of Picasso’s Petite Fleurs), and I’ve been tryi …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

February 21st, 2015

When I first started working as a fee-for-service clinician, one of my pet peeves was not getting paid for missed sessions. I felt that the financial part of the issue clouded my ability to make a good clinical judgement of the situation. And, of course, I didn’t like not getting paid. I’ve since made my peace with clinic work life and its realities, but I sometimes find myself stuck once again on missed appointment and late cancellat …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

February 27th, 2015

One of the amazing things about the internet is the speed in which things can capture our collective attention. This week’s latest is an ambiguously colored dress. (If you haven’t seen it, I’ve put some reference links at the bottom of this post.) It’s white and gold,  or maybe it’s blue and black. As usual, once the initial viral wave passes, there are the posts that seek to find meaning or wisdom, and perhaps …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

March 8th, 2015

As we turn our thoughts to Pesach, the holiday of freedom, a few thoughts come to mind. The Jews sought freedom from slavery; their purpose was to serve God. Freedom of religion was a founding principal of the USA. The words of Hatikvah speak of a yearning "To be a free people in our land".  I fear, though, that the concept of freedom has been co-opted. For many of my clients, especially young adults, freedom means breaking free from the sha …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

March 14th, 2015

Some time ago, a group of my friends put on a performance of improvised comedy. The performance itself went very well. There’s really nothing like the energy of hilarious improv created live on stage. What you probably couldn’t have guessed, watching the performance, is that the actors spent many hours practicing before the performance. Improvisation requires practice - paradoxically, perhaps. For all its spontaneity, improv functions …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

March 22nd, 2015

I find myself overwhelmed by tragedy today. My brain searches for an explanation, a reason. Something to say, something to do. Some way to make meaning out of the unfathomable. I find myself turning to God. Asking, questioning. Second-guessing. I turn to friends. They are supportive. One friend shares with me something his Rav said in shul this morning (any mistakes in this rendering are mine, not those of my friend or the Rav). Says Rabbi Yossi …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

March 29th, 2015

I believe in routines. My Sunday morning routine includes - among other things - going for a run, coffee with friends, and learning with my dad. My father and I have found a compromise between lightning fast (he has been a Daf Yomi magid shiur for over thirty years) and my plodding Chofetz Chaim pace (read: slow as molasses).   This morning, my father and I came across a series of stories in the Gemara about latrines and demons. (Times were …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

April 5th, 2015

Instead of sharing my half-baked (unleavened?) thoughts on the holiday, here are two quotes I came across over the past two days. I had the privilege of using Rabbi A.J. Twerski’s Haggadah, "From Bondage to Freedom",  this year. He uses the analogy of addiction to bring the message of Pesach closer to home. “Like our forefathers in Egypt, we should cry out to God to deliver us from enslavement to any self-destructive behavior.&rd …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

April 12th, 2015

‘Twas the night after Pesach, and I’m scratching my beard, A regular post won’t do - let’s try something weird. As a sigh of relief leaves the good Jewish cooks and another Passover hits the history books. we unpack the pretzels and corn-starchy gum and pizza dough rounds, and plain panko crumb. Yes, it’s that time again, back to the routine, Back to more than one flavor of liquid caffeine, Your friends will return f …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

April 18th, 2015

In my recent spring cleaning travels, I came across many things that I’ve been saving for just the right time. Orange hair spray, for example. And some really cool looking Ferrari totes and stickers. Waiting for just the right time. What is the right time? I find that when I save things for just the right time, the right time never comes. The hair spray is too old to use now, and the Ferrari paraphernalia has been sitting in my closet for l …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

April 26th, 2015

We psychotherapists are in a bit of a bind. We need to care, to care deeply and sincerely, about every person who bares their soul in our offices. On the other hand, we need to take care of ourselves and not let our work adversely affect us. But it’s inevitable, at least occasionally, that the work catches up with us. After all, we sit and willingly open ourselves up to the worst of what the world has to offer. Shame, depression, obsession, …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

May 2nd, 2015

However you go about choosing  a therapist, don’t do it this way. Have you ever had a positive experience with a mentoring friend or teacher? Mentors who are naturally good at helping others often choose “the helping professions” as a career. And if the need for psychotherapy arises at some point later in life, those fond memories of the mentor-turned-psychotherapist may propel you to reach out to your old mentor for treatm …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

May 10th, 2015

I have become fascinated with the development of spirituality in the human being. Specifically: how do we learn about, understand, and integrate the concept of a Higher Being? How do we learn to relate to this Being? Why do some view this Being as benevolent, malevolent, punishing, promising? Indifferent? Where do these concepts come from? Certainly, religious upbringing plays a significant part in our conceptualization. The content of the partic …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

May 16th, 2015

How well can you explain things? As a therapist, I think this concept is particularly relevant. Many clients come in to my office without a basic emotional vocabulary. We can only understand things that we can describe. Sometimes I ask my clients to imagine a caveman with only two words for feelings: Good and Bad. How do you feel, caveman? Someone has more rocks than you do? “Bad”. Your friend was eaten by a pterodactyl? “Bad&rd …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

May 22nd, 2015

Shavuot. Shavuos. Chag Ha'atzeres. This holiday has many names. (One of my clients referred to it as “the holiday of many cheesecakes”.) Many years ago, I visited the Mir Yeshiva in Yerushalayim on Simchas Torah. Rather tired, I was more interested in watching the goings-on than celebrating with the Torah, but somehow found myself a reluctant participant. Practically swimming through the bouncing sea of bochurim, I passed a few revele …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

May 30th, 2015

Do you ever feel stuck in couch potato land? Like you’re in a laziness rut and just can’t seem to get moving? If you have, great - you’re human! (If you haven’t - I’m concerned. Please have that looked at.) Laziness is a heaviness, a stuck feeling that prevents us from getting work done. And it often does not feel good, especially if we have work that needs doing (like dishes, paperwork, shopping...anything at all). …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

June 7th, 2015

Why do we have feelings? What is the point of sadness, anxiety, fear? Hope, joy, love? The latter feelings are pleasant, sure, but do they have a higher purpose? Is trying to feel good just another form of pleasure seeking? A client recently said to me that he would rather feel nothing at all than struggle through his daily mix of depression and anxiety. When feelings get hijacked by mental illness, they can seem to be more than unpredictable nui …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

June 13th, 2015

One of the things that I stress to my clients is the need for self care. Taking the time to breathe, to pause, to be mindful, to eat right and regularly, to exercise, to laugh.   Self care is important for all people, but especially for those with mental health issues. Life is much more manageable when we are taking care of ourselves. And especially if we are suffering from trauma, addiction, depression - anything, really - we need all the h …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

June 20th, 2015

Once we establish the why of self-care for therapists (see last week’s post), the next question might be: how? But the thought of  making a list of self care actions doesn’t appeal to me at the moment. Maybe another post. What about when? When should, or even could, a therapist engage in self-care? When do we have time, exactly? I’ve started taking a few moments, in between sessions, when I can, to just pause and be present …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

June 28th, 2015

We social workers have some terminology confusion, some branding obfuscation. I'm sure most of the readers of this blog know what a social worker does. But while doing some networking this weekend (with people less familiar with the mental health field), I ran into some issues. "What do you do?" "I'm a social worker." "Oh, like helping the homeless get housing?" Or - "Got it. You work in a nursing home." The problem is that social work is truly a …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

July 5th, 2015

What do social workers and shawarma joints have in common? They’re both open late, offer comfort, and leave an impression with you that lasts through the week. Many clinic jobs nowadays (at least the ones I know about) require therapists to work one or two evenings a week. That means working until 9 or 10pm, and getting home really really late. And for those of us who work two or more jobs, that means coming home late more nights than not. …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

July 12th, 2015

In my practice, I often use metaphors and stories to illustrate a point. The image of an anchored ship in the ocean, slowly drifting yet somehow also secured in place, serves as a metaphor for a dialectic or mindfulness meditation. Parables about leaps of faith serve to inspire and validate. This week, a client of mine mentioned a story that I had told several weeks ago. She had been thinking about it a lot, she said. Part of the guesswork of the …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

July 18th, 2015

Have you ever wondered if your therapist is angry with you? Did you say something or do something that got an angry reaction? Was there a particular look on his or her face which seemed to indicate anger or frustration? What about other feelings? Have you ever wondered if your therapist finds you interesting? Is your therapist bored or tired of you? Does your therapist even like you? Now, I’m not trying to plant ideas in your head (too late …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

July 27th, 2015

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity” - Simone Weil This week: A father and his young boy rode the train from Brooklyn to Manhattan. They spoke the entire ride, sometimes quietly, sometimes animatedly. There were no electronic devices to be seen. The pure presence of the father was beautiful to behold. Many clients stepped into my office this week. Some wanted feedback, others silence. They all needed my attention. M …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

August 2nd, 2015

I’ve heard a lot of stories of late about teenagers in trouble. You name it, they’re doing it. And along with these teens come parents: hurting, scared, angry. The parents want their child to behave; the teen just wants to be left alone (at least, so they say). It’s a recipe for disaster.
  I’ve also been thinking about how we define a successful parent. Is it the degree of religiosity of the child? The schools …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

August 9th, 2015

I used to think of relationships that ended - that didn’t go on forever - as a failure... - Jimmy Kimmel   Endings. Our lives are full of them; that’s the very definition of mortality. Death is certainly an ending; divorce is too. Moving is an ending, and so is changing jobs. Endings can be sad or painful, and saying goodbye is a way of trying to process that pain. We don’t always get a chance to say goodbye, though. Death …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

August 16th, 2015

How can we find Joy? Where do we look? Can Joy be bought? If yes, where is it sold? Is Joy in a lottery ticket? At a Broadway show? At the bottom of a Starbucks cup? This week, just for fun, I went to visit a study group that I used to attend. I stopped by for a minute just to say hello. I’m not sure why, but I really got a kick out of it, and I’m glad I took the time to stop by. An acquaintance of mine commented, after I described my …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

August 22nd, 2015

The Buddhist teacher Ajahn Chah once remarked while holding a beautiful teacup, “To me this cup is already broken. Because I know its fate, I can enjoy it fully here and now.” Nothing in this world is permanent. Only God is eternal. Transience is our essence. That knowledge is sad, but it is also our salvation. The knowledge that nothing is permanent can propel us to live more in the moment, to enjoy what we have while we have it. In …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

August 29th, 2015

A Torah thought this week: "When you go out to war against your enemies and Hashem your G-d will deliver him into your hands" (Devarim/Deuteronomy 21) This morning, my Rabbi quoted Rav Mordechai Gifter, the late Telzer Rosh Yeshiva, who interpreted this verse to refer to the war of wills against our yetzer hara, our inclination to misbehave. Rav Gifter went on to extrapolate from this Torah portion various strategies with which to win our battle …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

September 5th, 2015

Something is missing. Life is moving fast, things are getting done, but something is missing. We do more nowadays, know more about our planet, hear news from across the globe faster than we ever have. But something is missing. We read the news while having conversation, we watch a video while answering a text message, we eat dinner while catching up on email. We do so much! And yet something is missing. For at the end of the day, when so much has …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

September 13th, 2015

This week marked a milestone in Her Royal Majesty’s queenship. Queen Elizabeth II, Head of the Commonwealth and Supreme Governor of the Church of England, is now the longest-reigning monarch in the country’s history. While the Queen characteristically played down the occasion, that didn’t stop celebrations in the form of an aquatic parade of historic vessels, adoring crowds, and glowing tributes from public figures. Like many t …
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