Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

October 8th, 2016

Something to chew on as the Day of Atonement nears. Rather than focusing on specific behaviors that we should or shouldn’t be doing, let’s focus on relationships. Our default relationship with God is influenced heavily by how we were parented. Think about this for a moment. Was your upbringing fear-based or love-based? And currently, what motivates your relationship with God? Is it fear or love? What is a fear-based relationship with …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

January 9th, 2016

The jackpot for the Powerball lottery tonight has climbed to $900 million, a record-setting payout. According to reports, about 75% of all combinations have been bought. That’s a lot of tickets sold, and a whole lot of dreams of fame and fortune. But will winning the lottery make you happy? According to a 2010 Princeton University study, money actually does make you happier - at least until you make about $75,000 a year. After that, there& …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

January 11th, 2017

Do you have addictive medications in your house? Are you sure? Keep reading. You may be surprised. Prescription medications are widely abused in the US. If you still don’t buy that, see last week’s post, and see this 2010 study reporting that 7 million Americans reported using a prescription drug for nonmedical reasons sometime within the past month. If you’re prescribed a medication that is prone to abuse, it’s wise to b …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

April 12th, 2016

In my work with addicts and their families, the phrase “hitting bottom” often comes up. The addict, so the theory goes, will not recover until he or she has hit bottom. “How can I get my daughter to hit bottom?”, the parent wonders. The addict hopes, “Have I finally had enough? Is this the rock bottom they’re talking about?” What is hitting bottom, and what does it have to do with change? Think of falling …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

June 7th, 2015

Why do we have feelings? What is the point of sadness, anxiety, fear? Hope, joy, love? The latter feelings are pleasant, sure, but do they have a higher purpose? Is trying to feel good just another form of pleasure seeking? A client recently said to me that he would rather feel nothing at all than struggle through his daily mix of depression and anxiety. When feelings get hijacked by mental illness, they can seem to be more than unpredictable nui …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

March 14th, 2015

Some time ago, a group of my friends put on a performance of improvised comedy. The performance itself went very well. There’s really nothing like the energy of hilarious improv created live on stage. What you probably couldn’t have guessed, watching the performance, is that the actors spent many hours practicing before the performance. Improvisation requires practice - paradoxically, perhaps. For all its spontaneity, improv functions …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

November 5th, 2016

It’s December 2020, and the candidate you voted for has turned out to be the undisputed worst President in history. You think back to your decision made on that fateful Tuesday in November 2016, and you say, “What was I thinking? I made a terrible choice.” You may be unhappy with your President, but you didn’t make a bad choice (I hope. Keep reading). Because it wasn’t your choice that was terrible. The issue is that …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

December 13th, 2014

One of the first questions I ask new clients is if they have ever been in therapy before. If they have, it is tremendously helpful to know what was helpful for them in the past, and what wasn’t; what they liked about their previous therapist or therapists, and what they didn’t. Most of the answers wouldn’t shock you. People like therapists who care, who are human; who know what they are doing, or at least seem to; who are direct …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

February 16th, 2016

Someone sent me a quote recently - one of those nice pictures overlaid with a pithy phrase. It read, “When you feel alone, it is a sign that God wants to be alone with you.” When working with addicts and their families, I often note the negative impact of isolation and loneliness. Addiction is a lonely disease. Addicts suffer in silence, and families may not know where to turn. Thinking that no one will understand, the affected party …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

August 2nd, 2015

I’ve heard a lot of stories of late about teenagers in trouble. You name it, they’re doing it. And along with these teens come parents: hurting, scared, angry. The parents want their child to behave; the teen just wants to be left alone (at least, so they say). It’s a recipe for disaster.
  I’ve also been thinking about how we define a successful parent. Is it the degree of religiosity of the child? The schools …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

April 18th, 2015

In my recent spring cleaning travels, I came across many things that I’ve been saving for just the right time. Orange hair spray, for example. And some really cool looking Ferrari totes and stickers. Waiting for just the right time. What is the right time? I find that when I save things for just the right time, the right time never comes. The hair spray is too old to use now, and the Ferrari paraphernalia has been sitting in my closet for l …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

January 3rd, 2015

Watch your language! No, not the words you can’t say on TV, or their permutations. I’m talking here about the words we use to describe ourselves and others. Words like Stupid, Bad, and (my favorite) Pathetic. Do you use these words in your speech, or even quietly, in your own mind? While looking at yourself in the mirror? When you catch yourself doing something you don’t want to be doing? How about when describing something, or …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

September 10th, 2016

This 9/11, as we are more “connected” than ever, we can unwittingly forget something important. On this day, we can read articles, sure, and watch videos, and react on Facebook. We may feel like we’re honoring the day. But are we really? We are so busy these days. We run from one thing to another. Busy busy busy. Accomplishing one task after another. And always, phone in hand. Answering a text, checking social media, watching a …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

June 26th, 2016

“Wherever you go, there you are.” -Jon Kabat-Zinn I’ve been thinking a lot about Orthodoxy, and I’ve been thinking a lot about community. I think Orthodoxy and community are inextricably intertwined and interdependent. Orthodoxy depends on its community, and the community relies on Orthodoxy to keep it alive. Which leads to what is (to me) an interesting dynamic - some choose to remain in Orthodoxy specifically because of …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

March 19th, 2016

*Disclaimer: The post below contains humor about alcohol. If you would rather alcohol-free humor, check out Recovery Comedy.           In the spirit of the Twenty Questions of Alcoholics Anonymous, here are twenty diagnostic questions for the Purim alcoholic: Does drinking on Purim make your wife unmanageable? Do you think not drinking would make your wife better? Do you have a Purim countdown calendar? Do you confuse g …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

December 19th, 2015

Some Talmud today: “A tailor must not go out [on the Sabbath] with his needle pinned to his coat, nor a carpenter with his ruler behind his ear, nor a fuller with his cord behind his ear, nor a weaver with his stopper behind his ear, nor a dyer with his color swatch on his shoulder, nor a money-changer with a coin behind his ear”. - Tractate Shabbos, page 11b All these professionals mentioned would literally wear and display a tool of …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

December 3rd, 2016

We are good at keeping ourselves busy. We read, talk, and listen. We do things. We go from one thing to another. We are rarely not doing something. You know this already. And if you don’t, you have probably sensed it. You have sensed it subtly when you reach for your phone in the elevator, or in the car, or on the subway when you finally get service.  You have sensed it before you turn on the radio, or make a phone call, or open the c …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

January 2nd, 2016

Visiting a friend on Friday night a while back, my parents enjoyed the traditional Ashkenazi Shabbos dinner. While ladling out the chicken soup, the hostess commented, “It’s so comforting to know that - wherever you go Friday night - there will always be chicken soup, gefilte fish, and potato kugel on the table.” Thing is, we hadn’t had any of those things in a while. (Another thing: there are many other sects of Jewry wh …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

October 1st, 2016

Rosh Hashana is nigh, and Yom Kippur is right around the corner. You know what that means - the Annual Jewish Anxiety Festival is in full swing! If you weren’t whipped up to a frenzy during the past thirty days, you still have another ten days to put your life in order. If it sounds like I’m being cynical, I’m not (well, maybe a tiny bit oozed out. Sorry about that). I’m actually just trying to get your attention. Let&rsq …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

November 1st, 2016

Blah blah blah. The election news drones on and on. This candidate did this, that candidate did that–if you can believe it. He said, she said. He tweeted, she cheated. This is no longer news to you. The negative view we have of both mainstream candidates is higher than ever before in U.S. history (well, at least for those years we have polls. So, only for a few decades). This is not news to you either. But here’s some news for you: …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

February 20th, 2016

This morning, out for a stroll, I was almost hit by a slow-moving car. Not dangerous, just annoying. I had the right of way, and an elderly woman driver was inching right through a red light. Displeased, I shot her a dirty look as I walked around her car. To my surprise, she stopped the car, opened her door, and said “I’m sorry!” I turned around and smiled, chastened a bit. She’s an older woman. Who knows what she’s …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

June 13th, 2015

One of the things that I stress to my clients is the need for self care. Taking the time to breathe, to pause, to be mindful, to eat right and regularly, to exercise, to laugh.   Self care is important for all people, but especially for those with mental health issues. Life is much more manageable when we are taking care of ourselves. And especially if we are suffering from trauma, addiction, depression - anything, really - we need all the h …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

July 12th, 2015

In my practice, I often use metaphors and stories to illustrate a point. The image of an anchored ship in the ocean, slowly drifting yet somehow also secured in place, serves as a metaphor for a dialectic or mindfulness meditation. Parables about leaps of faith serve to inspire and validate. This week, a client of mine mentioned a story that I had told several weeks ago. She had been thinking about it a lot, she said. Part of the guesswork of the …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

July 10th, 2016

“One year of sobriety? That’s amazing! Congratulations!” He doesn’t have the strength to tell them that he’s been drinking every weekend. She’s finally at the party, the music and lights throbbing. She can forget about the pain of living at home. No one has to know about it. That life doesn’t exist here. He works extra hours every day, works weekends for free. Family and friends are puzzled and frustrate …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

December 5th, 2015

“How did it get so late so soon?” ― Dr. Seuss We human beings have a funny relationship with time. We take it, we bide it, we kill it. We love to spend it; sometimes we complain about having too much of it, but more often we lament its brevity. We serve it, we say we are out it, and we wish to hit it big. They say things change with time, and that’s certainly true. People change with time. And, if we’re growing people, w …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

June 6th, 2016

Therapist, to what can I compare thee? To a barber, of course! Barbers sit in their office and wait for their patients to arrive; they rarely do house visits. The patient (or barbee) sits in a nice comfortable chair while the work is done, the barber trimming away the wayward growth and softening the rough edges. Some patients come in for a full work-up, others only have a little bit of shock to shed. And still others have a bad case of the dread …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

July 2nd, 2017

(See previous post for context.) At the end of the tour, the blind guide made an offer: Ask me any question you want. Hold nothing back. Nothing is off the table. I had a question, but I held back. Until the very end. Until we came into the light, slowly at first, and adjusting to the brightness I set my eyes on our guide for the first time. He looked as he sounded: Peaceful. Old. Wise. And I asked my question: How do you stay positive? How d …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

February 27th, 2016

At one of my former jobs, the client intake form had this question: how often do you engage in spiritual practices (e.g. yoga, meditation)? When I would ask this question to religious clients, they would usually give me a funny look. Yoga? Meditation? How are yoga and meditation spiritual? Also - I’m religious! I follow my religious laws - what’s more spiritual than that? Other clients, particularly those who were not religious or wh …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

August 22nd, 2015

The Buddhist teacher Ajahn Chah once remarked while holding a beautiful teacup, “To me this cup is already broken. Because I know its fate, I can enjoy it fully here and now.” Nothing in this world is permanent. Only God is eternal. Transience is our essence. That knowledge is sad, but it is also our salvation. The knowledge that nothing is permanent can propel us to live more in the moment, to enjoy what we have while we have it. In …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

December 29th, 2015

That’s right. Silliness. When was the last time you did something silly? I don’t mean a foolish mistake. I mean something downright silly, like singing your favorite song into your toothbrush microphone. Or making silly faces at yourself in the mirror. It’s been awhile, hasn‘t it? (If not, great! You can stop reading now, silly old jestmaster!) Life is full of serious things. Things like work, mental health issues, famil …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

July 6th, 2016

Would you get a tattoo? Think about that seriously for a moment. For most readers of this blog, I know it’s not something that comes up, what with the biblical prohibition and all. But it’s an interesting thought exercise. If you could, would you? I would use this barometer - is there anything you would have wanted tattooed on your body five years ago that you would still want now? My personal answer is no. Tattoos are too perman …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

September 24th, 2016

Do you take work home with you? Do you find yourself reading work emails during dinner? Do you consistently leave the office later than you would like? Do you hate long phone calls, constantly replying to emails, or being at the mercy of your boss’s whims? This post is for you. Acknowledge that you can’t do it all Most of us tend to be either over-responsible or under-responsible. Which one are you? If you are over-responsible, you wi …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

October 18th, 2015

Anyone who has been to Israel knows that there is more to the Holy Land than shawarma and shakshuka. There’s a certain energy, a spiritual richness infused into every stone, store, and street. It resides among the hills and valleys, and in every taxicab. It’s in the very air. Back in the States just a few days, I started to feel a spiritual fogginess, an unanticipated heaviness, like pedaling a bike on a suddenly steep hill. The diff …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

January 16th, 2016

This is a post about the benefits of shutting your mouth. This is also a plug for group therapy. I facilitate two groups a week. One is for those suffering from addiction, and the other is for family members of addicts. Members of both groups come in to get support and hope, and to give the very same. And they do get and give. Facilitating a group is a delicate process. The role of the professional is significant but often must be small. This is …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

December 6th, 2014

This is the first blog post on the new Nefesh website, so I think an existential question is in order. Why does this page exist? As professionals in the mental health field, we have much to share with the world. And especially as Orthodox Jews in this profession of giving, we are in a unique position to contribute to our community. But as psychotherapists, we have a responsibility to carefully maintain our public image. We take much care in what …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

March 31st, 2017

I should write something I can do this well I should write something I can do this. Well I should write something so well that they will ask me who wrote it and then be surprised when they find out that I did I should write something I should I should I should I should I haven’t, yet   But the shoulds continue They go on and on stuck in their vicious voice Vicious voice! Nice alliteration. That’s pretty clever. I shoul …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

March 27th, 2016

Here’s a bit of trivia and a question for the Star Trek fans out there: the starship Enterprise - the prized flagship of the United Federation of Planets - traveled through space with its shields at a feeble five percent power. Now, isn’t that a risky and unnecessarily dangerous decision, to be exposed to any number of unfathomable dangers in space, the Final Frontier? Thanks to Google, Reddit, and the Star Trek TNG Technical Manual …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

May 30th, 2016

When I was growing up, we used to play a game called “Don’t wake Daddy.” On Friday nights, my father would fall asleep on the couch, and my siblings and I would try to see how close we could get to him before he stirred. Tiptoeing as quietly as we could, we would usually make it to within a few inches of our sleeping giant before a nose-scratch would send five squealing kids running out of sight. It was fun (at least for us)! O …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

June 20th, 2015

Once we establish the why of self-care for therapists (see last week’s post), the next question might be: how? But the thought of  making a list of self care actions doesn’t appeal to me at the moment. Maybe another post. What about when? When should, or even could, a therapist engage in self-care? When do we have time, exactly? I’ve started taking a few moments, in between sessions, when I can, to just pause and be present …
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Author: Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW

August 5th, 2016

“Whenever you feel stupid, remember that there are people outside looking for Pokemon.” - the Internet   It was a lazy summer afternoon, and young Brian strolled the streets in the Gravesend area of Brooklyn with his mother. They were hunched over an iPhone, giggling madly, as Brian tried to catch a Pikachu creature hovering in front of the nearby Dunkin Donuts. They were playing Pokemon Go together. Success! Brian squealed with …
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