The Right to Be Wrong

There is an old truth the busy season for psychologists is holiday time. In the secular world, it is this time of year– fromNovember through January.  For us Jews, it occurs in September and April around Succos and Pesach.  Either way, the pressure of the holidays and the prospect of spending time with family somehow triggers stress, anxiety and neurosis.

Generally, holidays are a time of good cheer, camaraderie and joyful reunion. But there is always one person (often two or three) who rub us the wrong way and that ruins everything. This year it might be politics, religion, or their grating personality. Whatever it is, these people are just so wrong; having them around is plain frustrating and it leaves us feeling terrible.

To quote a teacher: “shalom (peace) comes from accepting the fact that others are different from myself and granting that this is okay. We can get along as soon as I stop trying to convert you over to my way of thinking.”  Over the holidays, we inevitably spend time with people who are different from ourselves and there is nothing wrong with that. I voted Hillary, you swear by Trump. Fine!

Discord sets in when I try to convince you, show you, enlighten you, change you. Shalom and harmony is  when I learn to accept you. One important skill is the ability to grant others the right to be wrong. To just let them be.

There are people everywhere who “just do not get it.” They are at the office, in the supermarket, online, at shul and, most troubling of all, in the family. Relatives have a knack of saying and doing all kinds of outlandish, self-centered, over-the-line, offensive and troublesome things to set us off. We are all tolerant people, but some things just cannot be let slide, right?  Wrong!

As my 6^th grade Rebbe, Rabbi Yachnes, used to say , “you have the right to your opinion, but that does not mean your opinion is right!” In other words, you have the right to be wrong.

There are many factors that contribute to interpersonal discord and there are strategies to combat each. Perhaps most effective is to avoid labeling others – even in the privacy of our own mind. It is natural to sit at a family dinner with a running commentary in our head: “oy, my brother is so religious, how and why did he get that yeshivish?!” Or “Is she really such a bleeding heart liberal, has she no sense at all?” “He talks like a nerd; she is a total show-off.”

Name calling is a dangerous business, and once indulged, the potential is endless. But the result is always the same: ill-will, unhappiness and frustration. A wise woman once said, “the sure-fire way to make yourself miserable is to look down on other people.” There is no way we are getting others to change – especially not by holiday’s end - so judging, labeling and looking down on them will only serve to make us miserable.

Instead of scrutinizing and categorizing others, try to accept differences and appreciate variation. After all, it is the spice that gives family its flavor. This holiday season, grant a pardon and gift others the right to be wrong.

It’s the right thing to do.