Trauma means being shaken up by unexpected events which are frightening and cause physical or emotional pain. Many people have experiences that have lasting negative effects which impact their relationships. It affects the way a person parents their children and it affects the way a person interacts with their spouse. It colors the way a person experiences life, the big things and the small things. Trauma causes immense stress. That’s why the symptoms experienced after trauma are called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

There are many different kinds of trauma. Some types of trauma do not fall into the category of what most people think of like physical or sexual abuse.Trauma can also include financial abuse and religious or spiritual abuse.

Examples of financial abuse and exploitation can be someone manipulating you to give them money, by guilt, or threatening to hurt you or your family if you don’t give in to their demands. This can be done by strangers as well as people you thought were friends or others in your life who previously seemed well meaning, kind and helpful. My professional experience includes Psychics who have manipulated intelligent and educated people out of large sums of money over a period of years by predicting that terrible calamities will befall them and their family if they didn’t pay the demanded sums, preying on natural superstitious fears. Family members can  “borrow” money on a regular basis and don’t keep their promises to repay these “loans”, as well as medical and mental health professionals who exert pressure on people who are physically or emotionally vulnerable to spend exorbitant amounts of money on treatment. The effects of such experiences can be the feeling of having been stripped, invaded and violated, all feelings that happen with other types of trauma including physical and sexual abuse. 

Examples of religious and spiritual abuse can be parents, teachers and sometimes Rabbi’s who use concepts of G-d and Torah as weapons of force to frighten children into behaving according to their self-defined religious standard via threats of  punishments in this world or the next. Religious and spiritual abuse also includes authority figures shaming, humiliating, even using physical and verbal abuse with children as well as adults. In our society, using G-d and religion to hurt another person just causes trauma and rebellion, and most likely not even superficial compliance.

An example of trauma that many people don’t recognize as such is the shame that many adults carry with them from childhood when they were shamed, punished and even physically beaten after engaging in body exploration. Slut-shaming may be a term more often used in the secular world but it is certainly enacted, possibly even more in the most religiously pious of families and communities. The resulting trauma of such shame and punishment affects a person’s sense of Self, sexual identity and ability to have healthy sexual experiences within marriage. 

Another example of trauma is from the acclaimed Netflix show called ‘UnOrthodox’. The protagonist Esti is  traumatized by how her mother in law shows up unannounced during Sheva Brachos and accuses her of not cooperating with consummating the marriage.  The actual distress she feels when trying the first three nights of her marriage seems less traumatic than the invasion of privacy, and utterly non-compassionate demands that she be sexual.  Esti’s mother-in-law tells her that her son is “The King” and must be treated as such. Instead of showing compassion and empathy toward her newly married daughter in law who is frightened and experiences extreme pain in “trying”, she instructs her to “look at the directions” on a lubrication product that would help achieve the goal and then struts out leaving Esti confounded, hurt at the violation of her privacy and betrayed by her husband after he called his mother from the street to complain. Esti is further traumatized by the follow up session she has with her Kallah instuctor who curtly and without any emotional attunement toward Esti’s confusion about her body being invaded in this painful way, diagnosed her with vaginismus and hands her a dilators device  for “exercises”. There was no guidance about how to make the wedding night a positive sexual and intimate experience . No one asks her why she is feeling pain during attempted intercourse. No one seems to notice that the source of her problem is that neither she nor her husband are knowledgeable enough to understand the importance of foreplay and the physical necessity of arousal. Having sex without arousal for many young kallahs is like stuffing hard raw steak down the throat of a child who doesn't know how to chew or swallow. Esti was simply objectified as a vessel for her husband and a means to bear him children. Esti goes to her Aunt’s house and begs to take a break from the traumatic beginning of her marriage. The Aunt tells Esti “you will have no leverage in this marriage until there is a baby”.

It was vicariously traumatizing to watch these scenes, and it felt like cultural appropriation to see private aspects of our tradition made public, especially when portrayed as abusive. Yet, the scenes were sadly reminiscent of what I have heard dozens of times in the consultation room.

There are many ways to treat trauma. Two psychotherapy models that were developed to help people overcome PTSD are EMDR (for information go to https://www.emdria.org/) and IFS (for information go to https://ifs-institute.com/). EMDR and IFS both help people by addressing the triggers from their personal traumas. These therapies work to neutralize the intensity of emotional reactions to traumatic events which can also help to reduce tension when experiencing conflict in relationships. The EMDR and IFS methods work differently but the goal is the same - to feel more at peace about what happened to you and to be able to stay calm when the triggers happen in day to day life.

The most meaningful and even exciting parts of my own experience in working with trauma is when a client resolves his/her intense feelings of whatever traumas happened to them where they can say “I no longer need to make decisions in my life based on the terrible things that happened to me. I can choose what is best in each situation because it’s the right thing to do, not because I’m fighting demons from the past”. It is a great nachas for me to watch as people over time work through their trauma, can make realizations about what in their life is the real him/her and what in their life are thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are really the trauma talking/feeling/behaving. It is a beautiful and liberating experience for clients to feel the burdens of past trauma lifted off of their shoulders and chests.  

For a demonstration video of how trauma can be treated, go to: 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4mw4mA-BTvE1JrJ5oVOX3g