A helpful perspective to adopt is that every emotion we feel has its purpose when used properly and in the proper balance.  We can learn to employ our emotions by listening to them.  Emotions are like children; they won't shut up until you listen to them.  But, once you have listened to them some, and honored them, it becomes easier to dismiss the remainder. 

First, define the emotion so that you can figure out what it wants you to do.  Take anxiety, for example, which is usually the anticipation of something either good or bad.  If I'm anticipating that Ferrari that I will be getting tomorrow, I will be anxious and wound up, will experience racing thoughts, and won't be able to sleep.  In therapy, though, we usually speak about the anticipation of pain or suffering.  

We need our anxiety, though, and it has a purpose when it’s balanced and at the proper time and in the proper amount. Without anxiety, I wouldn't have even made it on time to work today.  I preferred to sleep instead.  But, my anxiety helped me to anticipate the negative consequences that would result if I was late (losing clients, losing pay, losing job).  

We need to parent our emotions as if they were children.  Too much anxiety can be immobilizing and quite damaging, when it's not in balance.  Listen to it some, like a child.  "I hear you, that you want me to do _______________.   Maybe I can’t give you all you want, or as immediately as you want, but I can at least do my best to do _______________." 

It’s helpful to set aside time each day to listen to these emotions.  “I hear you, sadness and regret.  I want to listen to you at 9:00 and give you my full attention, but for now I have to just function.  Please wait until then.”  That’s effective parenting.  Of course at 9:00 you should keep your word, listen and emote.  The emotion may pipe up again, as children tend to do.  Just be firm and consistent in your parenting and repeat your message, “I hear you.  I will listen to you at 9:00. 

Of course, this may not work for every person and every situation.   But, it’s worth a try.  Indeed, many of my clients find this technique to be effective, and that self-parenting in this way helps them step into the driver’s seat with their emotions. 

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