Your five-year-old comes home and says that the other kids say he is fat.

He is big—tall and muscular. He also is chubby in the way that many adults might find lovable—the teddy bear effect. The point is he is way bigger than his friends. He does not look five. But you are not worried per se as he and his older brothers take after your husband who is over six feet. The pediatrician feels confident that his weight will adjust, just like that of his brothers.

Your question is—how to handle this?

Many a Mom’s first instinct would be to empathize with the child and tell him that’s not nice, that he shouldn’t pay them any mind, that he needs to tell them to stop, that he should tell the Morah. 

But what if you did something else instead?  What if you remained non-committal, calmly mirroring his words, and said, “Hmmm. Is that what they said?”                                                                                                                                               

Right then and there or later on, depending on the child’s reaction, you have the discussion. Hashem makes all kinds of people. Everyone has something about themselves that they don’t like. Some boys are too short or too tall. Some can’t ride a bike without training wheels, some can’t swim. However, no matter what the perceived imperfection may be, it’s not okay to make someone feel bad about themselves. And, maybe he could think about this stuff and even express his thoughts on the matter to his friends.

Now, of course our hearts break for our children when they are hurt by their buddies and we are sorely tempted to react—all too often inappropriately. But nothing is to be gained by losing it and giving in to our hurt and anger. In fact, there is a great deal to be lost because it makes our children see us as frustrated and powerless.

What we need in times of adversity is strength, not to cave in to the bad feelings. That is precisely what you are trying to model for your son by assuming a neutral response, the ability to deal with the slings and arrows that come our way.

Let’s think for a moment. What were your choices when your son reported the teasing? I think we could all rule out the “Hit ‘em back response,” We are not in the business of teaching our children aggression. But, is telling your child that such teasing is wrong, and that we feel bad for him enough? Empathy is always good, yet is it possible that this response alone can lead to a “poor me” mentality?

To my way of thinking, an empathic response that includes perspective can help your child understand the situation and give him the ability to stand his ground. We all face opposition and confrontation in our lifetime. But, giving our child the ability to understand what he is looking at and, more importantly, the tools to combat it is a true gift.

We have to teach our children resiliency—the ability to deal in the face of adversity. In order to achieve this we have to model strength ourselves. When the washer breaks, we miss a simcha due to traffic, or are let down by a friend—our goal is to show our children that we can handle what life throws our way rather than fall apart. So, as in all things parenting, the first step is to work on ourselves—specifically on our ability to cope with the ups and downs of life. To be a good parent, we must develop the attitudes, coping abilities, and worldview that help us face adversity. Once we are in a good place ourselves, we will be ready to model for our children. Not to suggest that this is easy, but working on ourselves is a prerequisite for effective parenting.

I am certainly not suggesting ‘tough love’ here, the answer isn’t to adopt a just “grin and bear it” mentality. We always want to support our children and have empathy for even their smallest challenges.  That being said, there is a delicate balance between ignoring and exaggerating feelings. What I am talking about is stretching our children’s resiliency muscle when and where possible, an example of which can be seen in the passage below:

Aidel was thrilled about going to seminary in Israel— no tears, no anxieties—but when she got to her dorm room, disaster hit. Her second suitcase, the one with all her toiletries and emergency food, did not arrive. She was frantic; she didn’t know any of the girls yet, so how could she even borrow?

What would she eat? How could she do her hair? She wanted to make a good impression on her new classmates, but she just couldn’t imagine how she could cope.

She called her mom, hysterical, and the hysteria caught on. Her mom called El Al, was on hold for an hour. She demanded a special delivery. No dice. The suitcase would be delivered after Shabbos.

Once, her mom had a chance to rethink and reflect, she called Aidel with a recalibrated approach. She was calm and matter of fact and helped Aidel problem solve the logistics. She was also able to find the right words—this is short term, inconvenient, but not tragic—and Aidel gets the message. Crisis over.

Here’s another example:

Great news, camp was starting, luggage on the bus, and Nochum couldn’t wait—especially because he was starting a new sports camp. However, it took only one unfortunate meeting with a concrete wall while biking downhill to get a broken arm and a prescription for NO sports, not even swimming.

It was a disaster! How could he go to camp, yet how could he stay home? There were no activities or day camps for young teens in his neighborhood.

Though everyone was caught up in the suddenness of the challenge, his mom realized that she had to recoup quickly. She and her husband sat down with Nochum and began to problem solve. Though this certainly wouldn’t be the best summer ever, with some (large measure of) creativity and determination, they developed a plan that would, more or less, work. But, most important, they sent Nochum off with a “can-do” attitude rather than as a neb.

We all hope and pray that our children will not face many challenges in their lives. Realistically speaking, we know that is not entirely possible, but giving our children our moral support and the skills to deal with adversity is imperative to their healthy growth and development.

Dr. Sara Teichman is a psychotherapist and family counselor—formerly of Los Angeles—currently in Lakewood, New Jersey. She maintains a private practice where she sees adults, children, and adolescents. Dr. Teichman can be reached at 323 940 1000 or drsteichman@gmail.com.