Do you ever wonder about your children: they can’t orthey won’t? Are your children unable, or are they unwilling to meet your expectations? Are they deliberately sabotaging your Shabbos meal, or are they not ready to handle the challenge of a lengthy and structured seudah?

The “can’t vs. won’t” conundrum comes up frequently in child rearing. There is a tremendous difference between the child who can’t do something and the child who refuses to. Whereas the child whocan’t needs to develop and learn some skills, the child whowon’toften lacks motivation or is power-struggling with his parent. Obviously you wouldn’t blame a child who is incapable of doing something, but you also want to develop some smarts if you are working with the child who can–but is turned off.

It often takes some skill to determine whether it is a “can’t” or “won’t” situation–and sometimes it is a little of each. But figuring out why your child does or doesn’t do what he is supposed to do is often helpful in figuring out how to deal with a situation.

Let’s look at the “can’t”s versus “won’t”s.

Children are not mini-adults and there are many things that they just cannot do: An infant cannot feed himself, a child cannot drive a car, a teen cannot do PhD-level physics. Our difficulty lies in the fact that we sometimes don’t understand our children’s limitations and go on to develop unrealistic expectations. A common example of that is to expect that siblings always get along–no fighting ever. Realistically speaking, jealousy and envy are just human nature and we, however unwillingly, must allow for it.

The reason a child can’t is often developmental. Development is an ongoing process that is not discernible to the observer. As the child matures, there is development in many areas such as reading, attention and focus, physical prowess, and self control. More importantly, development is unique to the individual–we all mature at a different rate. When a child develops the ability to tackle the next step, whether it is giving up the pacifier or learning to read, we call this readiness.

Readiness means that the child is available for learning. It is now up to the parent to help him develop the skills to do that which we want him to do. (It is important to note here that some children are challenged by learning differences, attention issues or physical/emotional limitations and may not achieve readiness without specialized instruction.)

When the child has readiness–he can. However, if he then won’t, we are looking at an entirely different picture.

Won’t presupposes ability–the child can perform the desired action but chooses not to. He may lack motivation, i.e. why should I give up my pacifier? Or, why bother to sit nicely at the Shabbos table? It is the parent’s role then to use behavioral techniques to create motivation, to provide positive reinforcement so that the child is happy to perform. For example, a parent may provide a small toy or treat each time a child drinks from a cup rather than a bottle. The child may see no reason to graduate to a cup, but the rewards motivate him to use it.

Won’t may also be more than just lack of motivation; it may represent a power struggle, an expression of resistance, or even a small rebellion. Won’t means that the child is developmentally ready and has the requisite skills, but he chooses not to do whatever is expected of him.

Dealing with won’t mandates that the parent use an entirely different skill set. It requires figuring out and understanding what is going on. Is the child testing you – saying no when you say yes? Or is he feeling too controlled, too under the microscope and therefore is engaging in passive resistance? Is this a child who is angry because he is pressured to perform beyond his capabilities? Parents would need to know what is going on with their child before deciding on a course of action that would engage the child’s cooperation and restore discipline and harmony in the home.

Shabbos lunch is a nightmare in the Friedman family. There are usually some guests and the meal often runs over two hours. The parents feel like they are armed with good food and some zemiros. Yet somehow, the kids are out of control–fighting, interrupting, and leaving the table to do their on thing. Though it usually starts off with the younger children raising a ruckus, in short order, the older kids are often gone as well.

Is that very typical scenario of a can’t or a won’t?

Whether it is can’t or won’t, the Friedman children aren’t there yet. It would be best to address both: create a structure that is realistic and doable and also find some motivational tool to encourage participation. Perhaps the younger set can eat before and only come to the table for kiddush, challah and dessert/benching. Maybe dividing the bunch, asking each to participate according to his level, could be effective. And certainly, figuring out how to make the Shabbos table stimulating and rewarding for each child is a must.

Figuring out the “can’t”s and “won’t”s and dealing with them appropriately is certainly a challenge. But hopefully the effort pays off as we watch our children grow into adults who can and will do whatever needs to be done.

Dr. Sara Teichman maintains a private practice in Los Angeles, California, where she specializes in individual, parenting, and marital concerns. In addition, she is the Clinical Director at ETTA/Ohel. She is the author of a bi-weekly parenting column ‘Child in Mind – Ask Dr T’ in Binah magazine. Dr. T also gives lectures on parenting and a variety of clinical issues in person and by teleconference all around the United States. To contact Dr. Teichman, email sara.teichman@etta.org.