Dear Readers,

Sarah*, a single young woman in her twenties, was talking to me about needing to make some changes. She described an incident that she was deeply uncomfortable with, which she felt she needed to do something about. Sarah and her friend Tzippy* got into a disagreement, and Tzippy said something that Sarah found very hurtful. Sarah’s response was to break down crying, unable to relay what she was feeling and express herself further so that they could come to some sort of resolution.

Later that day, Sarah found her sister using her computer without permission. (The last time she used it, Sara’s sister had wiped a document Sarah had been in the middle of composing.) Sarah, who was fresh off of feeling hurt from Tzippy’s hurtful words and was now feeling angry and therefore a bit “tougher,” told her sister she could either start respecting her request to ask permission to use her computer, or she was going to lock it down. To this her sister responded, “Whoa, you don’t have to be so nasty.”

Sarah told me that she didn’t show her sister how shook up she was by that response, but that she was deeply uncomfortable over it for the rest of the night. Sarah used these incidents to demonstrate that serious change needed to take place – but what really needed to change?

Change is an interesting concept, and, despite what most people assume, doesn’t always mean that one’s actions need to change. In reality, only sometimes does change mean acting differently.

In breaking down the aforementioned scenario, it makes sense that Sarah would want help facilitating a change in how she behaved in conversation with her friend. She doesn’t want to dissolve into tears when emotionally overwhelmed, or be unable to have a clear and productive conversation, even with someone whom she considers a close friend. Why this happens to her and what the process of facilitating change would look like is beyond the scope of this introduction and can be dealt with properly in therapy, but we can see this as an example of the need to facilitate action-oriented change. 

On the other hand, in the example of setting a limit on her sister, we are looking at the need for a different kind of change altogether. To her detriment, setting limits instead of always acquiescing is something that Sarah had been struggling with for a while. It was another goal that needed a change of actions. Having finally done it, Sarah felt that the newness of it, as well as the reasons she had struggled with it for so long, caused her discomfort. Then she wanted to do something to change that. In Sarah’s mind, the inability to have a conversation when insulted needed actionable change, the inability to set limits needed action-oriented change, and so the discomfort over her sister’s disapproval of her boundary-setting also needed actionable change.

What is sometimes difficult to see, as it was for Sarah, is that sometimes the change that is needed is not in the arena of action or an externally demonstrated difference. Sometimes change is internal – not something that is seen by another, but rather, something that is only felt by the person. In the case of Sarah setting a boundary (the demonstrable, actionable change), that didn’t need to stop, but that didn’t mean there was some action type of change to make in order not to feel uncomfortable about it, but rather, internal change needs to be facilitated so that Sarah can accept that discomfort might be a part of what she wants to do. The change, in her case, is her ability to accept discomfort in the service of her greater goal.

People sometimes get misled by their feelings. They think that if there is something they are uncomfortable with, they need to take action to change it. While that is true some of the time, other times the change that is needed is an internal acceptance of the discomfort as part of life, growth, and change.

* All names and identifying information have been changed.