Part of the great debate of nurture versus nature includes the question of: who influences the student more, the family or the school? How important is it for children to be coddled and guided both at home and at school? Nowadays, children attend school almost as soon as they can walk, starting with a toddler program at just two years old (or younger). Some families prefer to have small groups of children rotating houses with parents serving as “supervisors” on a limited basis. In some places, public libraries have playrooms where mothers can supervise their own children while they play with other children their own age with age-appropriate toys.

The Montessori system, started by Maria Montessori in poor neighborhoods in Italy, made it possible for older children to mind younger children in established groups while their parents worked. Those children learned survival skills at very young ages – how to feed and dress themselves, how to differentiate between who was safe to play with and who to stay away from, and so on. The purpose of this was, and still is, to acclimate children to the greater world outside their families, and teach them how to deal with other people and other situations in a public setting. Whereas in the past, children stayed at home playing with their own toys while their stay-at-home mothers did their housework until school-age requirements were reached, the current switch to early toddler programs is necessitated by more mothers joining the workplace.

Perhaps surprisingly, children thrive on the social interaction they become part of outside their homes. Children are born with natural curiosity and great interest in everything, as long as their parents and other caretakers provide the stimulation. There is frequently a reduction of separation anxiety as they grow into older grades, because they look at their experiences as fun and as the status quo. The part that introduces worry is determined by the mistakes of the facilitators of these different places. Depending on the children’s personalities, the facilitators’ expertise, and the make-up of the other participants, the preschool experience can be either positive or negative, setting the stage for future learning.

Children who go to established programs such as schools are very fortunate when the teachers are well-trained and very nurturing. They should be sensitive to the needs of the group that they work with, aware of individual personalities and their triggers. They should be providing these young students with skills to navigate the world around them both inside and outside their family home. Teachers have to make sure to watch for glitches in the young child’s experience since bullying can start even at a young age, in areas like free play and subtle movements around their workroom. Children must be taught to understand that no one has the right to cause them harm of any magnitude whatsoever, to deal with it and to report it to the teacher who should be on the lookout to block that behavior at once. Parents should pay attention to stories their children bring home from their school day and ensure that their children feel comfortable sharing their daily experiences. Young children are usually quite articulate about positive and negative experiences. A kindergartener who comes home and says his teacher is “awesome” but that Shawn continually bothers him at free play and gym should be encouraged to keep sharing his thoughts. A child will only continue to share if he feels that someone is listening to him and is ready to help him learn the coping skills he needs to learn how to deal with similar issues before they become patterns as the children grow older.

The reality is that both nature and nurture play an important role in raising children, both at home and in school. Although the family has the most power over the growth of the child because it is a constant,  (the school personnel changes each year), children harbor positive and negative experiences that they keep with them from year to year.

When raising children, it’s important to be cognizant of “coddling” and “guiding” – two different approaches that can be useful when operated carefully. Coddling means making a child feel secure and appreciated, which everyone needs no matter what age they are. Guiding is to foster their ability to apply learned skills in each of their developing areas. Too much or too little of each are not helpful. In any pre-school age setting, the facilitator or teacher must find the perfect balance, both for the group and for the individuals within the group. Parents at home need to learn how to do the same. Either ignoring a child’s complaints or exaggerating them also does not work. Reinforcing coping skills to problem-solve and feel both accepted and competent is the goal on all sides.

It is important for both parents and teachers to remember that the earliest school experiences are extremely important, nothing to make light of, because they set the stage for a child’s expectations of future school experiences, either negatively or positively.

Marlene Greenspan, MA, LPC, is currently in private practice and the Director of Counseling for Better Living. For many years, Marlene Greenspan has created social skills programs, written weekly Counseling Corner articles, given workshops, taught classes, and published journal articles for professional organizations such as Nefesh, ACA, ASCA, and the OU. She also has EMDR training. Marlene can be reached at counselingforbetterliving@gmail.com. See her blog: counselingforbetterliving.com.