Dear Therapist:

My husband and I have been struggling with our 17-year-old son.  He is not currently in yeshiva and his shmiras hamitzvos leaves a lot to be desired. We have been getting advice from some rabbonim with experience in this area and have been meeting with a therapist for the last few months. All agree that, at this time, we should not be pushing or forcing our son when it comes to his Yiddishkeit. The issue is that my husband cannot seem to let it go. There are certain things that he just can't seem to help himself and no matter what will provoke a reaction on his part. He is aware that this is an issue and when he calms down will agree but the next time he will react just as strongly. This is particularly an issue when it comes to mode of dress and not going to shul on Shabbos. Another area, which is why I am writing in now, is the upcoming yomim noraim. Last year our son’s lack of respect for something that even unaffiliated Yidden have a feeling towards caused a lot of disruption in the house. Can you please give some suggestions for how I can deal with this? Why do you think my husband just can't let it go?

Response:

You indicate that your husband and you both agree that your son shouldn’t feel forced to do the things that you mention. You cite both the consensus opinion of those whose help you’ve sought and your own recognition of the importance of allowing your son to find his own way.

The main focus of your submission relates to your husband’s emotional response to your son. You ask how you can help him to change his reactions to your son’s actions. However, the way that your son acts seems to be hurting you as well. Although your overt reactions may not be negative, it’s important for your son to get the message that he is loved and accepted regardless of specific actions. Although no one should be given carte blanche (I assume that certain inviolate boundaries are in place), there should be a clear distinction between your feelings toward your son’s actions and your feelings toward him. He should understand that although you may disagree with some of his actions and decisions, your feelings toward him don’t change.

Have you thought about why you are able to control your reactions while your husband has trouble doing so? Your husband and you both seem to be disturbed by your son’s issues with Yiddishkeit. One difference may lie in the specifics of what hurts each of you. You refer to your son’s seeming lack of respect for something that you feel he should respect. Your concerns seem to relate to your son’s thoughts, feelings, and spirituality. Your husband, however, reacts to specific actions.

Although ultimately your husband’s concerns and yours may be the same, the central focus can contribute to varying responses. Even if your husband’s true concern is your son’s connection to Yiddishkeit, his focus on the symbolic aspect of this can make it more difficult for him to maintain emphasis on the eventual goal. For instance, your husband’s real issue may be that your son doesn’t appear to care about the yomim naraim, but what he fixates on is his mode of dress or lack of attendance in shul. This can cause your husband to react emotionally to those specifics, losing sight of the real issue. You, however, may be more consciously aware of the underlying problem, which can make you more cognizant of the eventual goal—and of the steps required to achieve it.

Another detriment to focusing on the symbolic aspects of your son’s issues with Yiddishkeit is that this can give him the sense that symbols are the only important part of Orthodox Judaism (and that beliefs and spirituality are not important). An unbalanced view of Yiddishkeit with an overly intense focus on the symbolic aspects can easily turn people off. This may be part of the reason that you were advised not to push your son to do specific things; he may first need to forge a spiritual/emotional connection to Yiddishkeit in order for him to accept the symbolism.

Another consideration is the source of your husband’s reactions to your son. If he feels embarrassed, disrespected, or personally hurt in another way by your son’s actions, your husband may have trouble separating this aspect from his concern for your son’s spiritual wellbeing.

Some introspection can help your husband to identify the sources of his emotions. Once he recognizes these, he can begin sorting through them in order to deal with each appropriately. For example, when your son doesn’t go to shul, separately acknowledging his embarrassment and his concern for your son’s spirituality can help him to deal with each separately, rather than aiming his reaction to the entirety of the situation toward the symbol and obvious source—your son.

Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY   |   Far Rockaway, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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