Dear Therapist:

My 5th grade son recently came home from a friend’s house frightened and in tears. He was literally shaking. When I finally managed to calm him down he told me that his friend had been showing him books with pictures of the Holocaust. There were pictures of the mass graves, crematoria, and people being shot and hanged…including little children. My husband and I sat with him for a long time trying to reassure him and calm him down. I also had a serious discussion with this friend’s mother. While the immediate issue has passed I wonder what advice you would give for dealing with such a situation? I also wonder what follow up if any you would recommend.

Response:

Every child (and indeed every person) is unique in his triggers, fears, and emotional responses.  Though we try to shield our children from things that we believe can cause them harm, it can be quite difficult to determine a particular child’s response to specific material.  Perhaps, based on your son’s temperament or previous reactions, you would have predicted that he would react badly to those pictures.  Or you may have assumed that he wouldn’t have been as upset by them as he was.

It seems that your son’s reaction was quite different from that of his friend.  His friend may have had more exposure to information on the Holocaust or to graphic concepts and images in general.  It’s possible that it was the abruptness of your son’s exposure to this type of material that caused him so much distress.  You were eventually able to calm your son down.  I don’t know what was discussed but I wonder whether part of what helped to calm him were your more clinical descriptions of what happened during the Holocaust.  In contrast to what must have been his sudden exposure to highly graphic images, he may have thereby been given a more complete perspective.  This would have helped him to compartmentalize his thoughts about what he saw, thus reducing his fear.

The instinctive reaction of many parents would be relief at a crisis averted.  They would be happy to leave the subject alone after the initial intervention.  I was happy to see that you recognize that follow-up can be important.  Assuming that you did in fact discuss the Holocaust more broadly with your son, it might be a good idea to ask him occasionally for his thoughts on what was discussed.  If you didn’t discuss it with him, you could feel him out with regard to his comfort level with such a discussion.  As mentioned, his ability to place the images that he saw—and thus his feelings—into a more intellectualized context (place, time, situation, etc.) can help him to give him a less fearful perspective of the Holocaust.

Your question raises a larger issue that relates to this discussion.  There is often a fine line between appropriately protecting our children and being overprotective.  The obvious advantage to erring on the side of caution seems clear in the short term.  When we strive to protect our kids from difficulty, they appear to be safer and less distressed.  In their younger years, they can seem more content.  As kids grow older, however, they not only require less protection, but can be harmed by too much.

Kids need to learn coping skills—both logistical and emotional—in order to become well-adjusted adults.  Overprotection can decrease their ability to develop these skills.  When this occurs, kids will often begin demanding continuous protection due to their inability to deal with problems—whether emotional or otherwise.  This often becomes a cycle in which both parents and children become used to this protective relationship.  They either do not recognize its problematic nature or can’t figure out how to change it.

Over the last generation or so, we seem to have become more overprotective as parents.  I can remember, as a child, climbing trees, building a treehouse, and running across the top of an eight foot cinderblock wall.  If I saw my kid doing things like these, I would probably cringe.  It would be difficult for me not to stop him.  Of course, decisions should be made based on factors like a child’s age and maturity and the level of danger.  The advantages of becoming self-sufficient and of learning from mistakes need to be weighed against possible consequences.  This decision is also based on parenting style and the parent’s level of anxiety in each situation.  One parent might feel that the possibility of a sprained ankle is a small price to pay for their child’s sense of independence.  Another parent may see this as foolishness or worse, opting to encourage independence in other ways.  Regardless, it is important to see the big picture and to recognize that our individual decisions can affect our children more generally in the long run.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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