Dear Rabbi and Shira,

I’m engaged, and we have been experiencing some tension in the past month. My Chasan is very financially conscious, and I don’t have a job currently. He has been insinuating that I have not been trying hard enough to find a job. I feel that I have, and he isn’t being understanding of my situation. I also would still like to go out every so often on a nice date, but he feels as long as I don’t have a job, we should save our money and date in our parents’ living rooms.

Jobless in Brooklyn

Dear Jobless,

We are sorry that there has been tension in your relationship over the past month. We would like to start out by saying that conflict is very common during the time that you are engaged. You and your chasan are embarking on a journey of life together and are trying to put all of the pieces together before the wedding date. Tensions will naturally run high and the stakes seem to be higher. It’s no wonder that the both of you are fighting.  

Regarding your job situation, often people bear resentment against each other for different reasons.  He might be frustrated that you haven’t found a job and you are probably frustrated that he doesn’t acknowledge your efforts and frustration. The two of you can vent your frustrations at each other, but that won’t help your relationship nor help you find a job

       We believe it would be helpful for the two of you to unpack your feelings together, in order to get a sense of this new area of your life as a couple together. You can have a discussion, when tempers are low, about how his constant supervision makes you feel. You can discuss what his concerns are.  The both of you can validate each other’s feelings and then begin to problem solve.
Then approach it as a group venture.
Involving him in the search can help him to understand how difficult it can be to find a job and working together will harness both of your talents toward a common goal.
The two of you can try job hunting together. Both of you can brainstorm possibilities together, as well as look for opportunities. You can peruse papers websites and social media. The both of you can make an action plan together.

As an engaged couple we believe it is important to go out once a week  Treating yourselves  to an expensive date is nice every once in a while is nice,  but otherwise fine low cost alternatives to spend time with each other, growing your relationship, as a couple. You can brainstorm together those activities as well.

Wishing you much hatzlacha and parnasha for this coming year.

Shana Tova,

Rabbi and Shira Boshnack