Dear Dr T.,

 Whenever I am with my mechatenesteh and our grandchild, I feel awful about myself.

So, it goes like this.

The baby is six months old- and sees us each about once in two weeks. I also have some older grandchildren from my other children. 

When I see the kids, I try to be respectful and read their cues. So, I don’t rush to hug, kiss, or even approach the kids until they signal their readiness. I might be there for even an hour before one of them ventures to sit on my lap.

But, in she walks, scoops them up off the floor and says hi in a really booming voice. Sometimes the kids tolerate it, but sometimes they may try to pull away or even start crying.

We’ve had one discussion over the difference in our approaches and my co-Bubby was very adamant that these are her grandchildren, she loved them, and was making sure to show it.  She also said that though they may resist for the moment, they would get used to it, and learn that she loves them dearly. Showing physical affection is very important, she maintains.

So, basically, I feel like I look like a loser – that I am cold and distant from the kids. I am even beginning to wonder if I am mistaken here- maybe I am holding back at the cost of physical affection? I think I have the right idea here, but could it be right if it’s perceived as cold?

I know that the older generation showed none of the hesitation that I feel, and that just adds to my feelings of self -doubt.

Dr. T.,

It is truly special that you have insight and a desire for self -improvement. In any new relationship, we each being something different to the table, and your wish to be a healthy force in your grandchildren’s lives is admirable.

The study of infant mental health has undergone tremendous development in recent years. Whereas it was thought in earlier generations that newborns could not see or even feel much, the intense study of infant behavior has taught us otherwise. So, it is widely acknowledged today that even infants communicate from the moment they are born, and see and feel – and it is up to us adults to work on deciphering their language and feelings.

Here is some of the typical body language and its meaning:

-Rooting – The infant turns his head and opens his mouth when he is hungry

-Moro or startle reflex -birth to 3-6 months]- The infant throws out his arms and quickly draws  them back when he is startled [like flashing light or loud noise].

-Relaxed muscles- When the infant feels security and calmness

-Averted gaze or break in eye contact – When the infant is overstimulated or has overloaded sensory experiences

-Turning head/body away – The infant signals discomfort or dislike

-Rubbing ears or eyes- The infant signals tiredness

-Feelings- the infant/baby cries, had sad facial expression, or squirming

In addition, each baby may have his own unique signaling that parents can learn to decipher. When parents read and respond to cues, the infant feels understood, safe and secure. There feeling are the beginning of a trusting relationship. But when parents consistently ignore or misread their baby’s communication, the baby may up the ante by excessive crying – at first. However, at some point the baby may give up and stop trying, which is very unfortunate. Though some parents may view a passive baby who shows little reaction, feelings, or desire to communicate as a ‘good baby’, they are sorely mistaken. The baby has simply surrendered to the reality of his existence – that what he has to ‘say’ doesn’t matter.

So, I encourage you, and all my readers, to consider an infant /baby as an important, independent human, for as Dr. Seuss taught us ‘a person is a person, no matter how small.’ The infant has a voice in the relationship and we want to take care to let it be heard. Our goal is not to teach the baby to get used to us and our way of doing things, but rather to listen and learn what the infant wants and needs.

We want to learn to distinguish between our infant’s cries [Is it hunger or fatigue?] and absorb their emotional tone. We have to be patient as we try to decode ‘infant talk’ and carefully observe all the non-verbal cues that signal frustration or joy. We need to stop what we are doing, make eye contact, and so teach the infant that we want to communicate with him. We want to invite the infant into our world by narrating – with a smile- what we are doing.

So, let’s make an effort, as we always do, to respect the other in the relationship. Let’s approach the infant quietly so as not to unduly startle him. Let’s use a soft touch and wait for the infant to signal that he’s ok with it before we continue. Let’s smile and use a pleasant soft voice. And let’s watch in joy and wonder as the world – and the people in it – gently unfold right before the infant’s eyes.  And take pleasure in the fact that we have a hand in creating a safe and secure world for that infant.