Could We Please Stop Telling Girls that Marrying a Yeshiva Guy Is the Only Way to Get a Good Husband?
This will be a short, not-so-sweet, but to-the-point post (bordering on rant). To some, what I’m about to say might be obvious, but to me, it seems like it needs to be said*:
Yeshivas do not have a monopoly on good husbands.
They also cannot guarantee good husbands.
Not every girl will do well married to a Yeshiva student.
Not every boy does well in a Yeshiva setting.
Some good men are out there being good men outside a beis medrash.
Some bad men behave very poorly, despite spending their days in a beis medrash.
Some guys love G-d, keep Halacha, daven, learn Torah, and respect women, and are not in Yeshiva.
Some guys don’t really do all those things so well, even though they are in Yeshiva.
When high schools, seminaries, shadchanim, or mentors tell young women that “the only way to be sure you marry a mentsch is to be sure you date only guys who are learning in Yeshiva”, they are:
- Lying
- Or gravely mistaken.
- Placing a lot of pressure on the yeshiva-guy status of said guy.
- Putting a lot of pressure on the prospective marriage.
- Depriving their charges of the many fine young men who are not in Yeshivas.
This advice, which I have learned is epidemic, is also dangerous. Here is what I would like to substitute:
If marrying a guy who will continue his studies in Yeshiva is important to you because of your own values and interests, and you are aware of the commitment and responsibility that entails for you, then feel free to look for someone on that path. But please be sure this is what you want, and not just what you were told to want. Also, be aware that proficiency in Gemara is not the same thing as sterling character. It’s not the same as emotional intelligence, interpersonal chemistry, intellectual compatibility, physical attraction, protecting, providing, or general competency. It does not guarantee marital bliss. A lamdan could be a great husband and father, a mediocre one, or a terrible one. If you want to marry a good man, don’t specifically or exclusively look for a guy who is learning in Yeshiva, look for a good man.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com