“I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse”
Raizy, a soft-spoken 24 year old graphic designer, shifted in her seat, hesitant to share her next words. I waited, while she formulated her thoughts. They eventually tumbled out as a poignant monologue:
“My husband is a really good person. He does the right things for us to have a nice marriage- in bed and out. But the sad truth is, I’m just not so attracted to him. It’s not that he’s ugly or gross, or anything. I bet most people would consider him a nice-looking guy, and he’s always clean and well-groomed. But his features, his build, even his voice and the way he walks- I just don’t care for any of it. It’s just not my taste, I guess. I think it also affects how I feel about his personality- it’s fine; I’m just not excited by it.
When we originally met, I didn’t intend to go on another date; I told the shadchan and my parents that he seemed like a great guy but not my type. They all wondered what that meant, and I tried to explain that the problem wasn’t his middos or his intelligence, but the overall feeling I got. I was encouraged to give it another try- after all, people say: ‘great guys are not easy to come by, and it only gets harder as you get older.’ That made sense, and we made pretty good conversation on the dates. I can’t say they went badly, so we kept going out. But I never looked forward to seeing him. It just wasn’t so interesting to me- I can’t even explain why, other than a feeling, and mostly visual. When I saw him approaching from afar, my heart sank a little with disappointment. When his name come up on my phone, I wondered if I could maybe just call him back later. Even now I still feel like this.
I discussed it with my parents and my mentor, and they all told me that the only thing that’s important is what’s on the inside: character, kindness, patience, reliability, honesty. These are the qualities that really matter, and that to reject a guy on the basis of his looks is shallow and shortsighted. After all- would I prefer a more handsome man with a cold, selfish heart? They said a guy who is ‘too into his looks’ would probably be arrogant and self-absorbed. I was confused, because what they were saying sort of made sense, but on the other hand it felt not right to get engaged to a guy I wasn’t excited about being around. Everyone reassured me that real love comes after the wedding, once the living together begins- touching, giving, growing, kids - building a home makes you feel closer and happier. I guess it made sense at the time. And everyone who said it was smart, older, and cared about me, so I trusted the advice and went ahead with the wedding.
Well it’s two years later. It hasn’t happened for us. I don’t feel any closer to him, even though we have been trying to connect in all different ways. I don’t enjoy sex or really any kind of touch. I don’t know if it’s just because of lack of attraction to my husband, or something wrong with me; I never got a chance to try with another partner. But even though I feel bad about this, I do see other men that I sometimes think I would enjoy touching- I never do, but it just shows me that it is possible for me to like a guy’s looks. I feel so guilty, and bad for my husband- living with a woman who just doesn’t love him. I try to smile at him and be nice, but I don’t even like who I’ve become. I can get moody and irritable in ways I never was before marriage. I’m resentful that I have to be with him, even though it’s not his fault- I get upset after sex because it’s such a let-down. I do what I need to in order to get through the day, but I’m so disappointed in marriage- and I feel like I only have myself to blame. Shouldn’t any two reasonably nice people from similar backgrounds be able to just have a good marriage? I keep trying to focus on everything good about him- his character, his thoughtfulness, his brains. But I know all that stuff is true in my head- it’s just the feelings that aren’t there.
I don’t want a divorce for a few reasons: for one thing, my family would be devastated. They wouldn’t understand. Throw away a perfectly wonderful husband because of something as stupid as looks? I don’t want to be that shallow or snobby. And who says I would find anyone better? Even if I did, looks fade, right? Dating as a divorced woman is much harder, especially when people hear that I left for such a dumb reason. So I would end up alone, or settling for someone even less desirable, and with people thinking I’m crazy on top of it. Maybe I am. I just feel so stuck and stupid. I wish I could turn back, but I can’t and now I don’t think there’s anything to do about it.”
Raizy’s story is a common one, though not often talked about socially. The advice she was given is widespread, well-meaning, and, in my humble opinion, terribly misguided.
Of course the most important objective quality in a person is character. No one would disagree that it’s critical to look for a spouse who feels trustworthy, safe, kind, respectful, and “good.” But there are other variables we need to consider as well. For example: would we ever tell a 20 year old young lady to just go ahead and marry an 85 year old tzaddik because “the only thing that matters is goodness”? Obviously that is an extreme and imperfect comparison. But it illustrates there are clearly aspects of a potential spouse that matter besides general goodness and value judgements.
There are essentially four general areas of critical compatibility that ought to be addressed: intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and physical. Not sameness, but compatibility. A mutual, good fit.
Religious and practical compatibility are deemed very important in our culture:
“She needs someone bright- someone who knows how to learn.”
“He’s looking for someone who went to a Beis Yaakov school.”
“She would like to live in a specific community.”
“He’d like someone with a Chassidishe background.”
Most people have no problem asking about career plans, academic achievement, and what level and style of observance is familiar. But when it comes to emotional and physical attraction, many of our young adults are taught to belittle and disregard these factors. To the point where they aren’t even sure what it is.
Emotional attraction is essentially: “How do I feel about and around this person? Do I enjoy spending time with him/her? Do I like what they say, what I feel when I think about and sit with them?”
Physical attraction is a similar vibe but more sensual: “Do I find him/her appealing? Do I find myself wishing we could be physical? Is there a basic pull, a desire to get closer?” Many religious men and women are not only not taught to ask themselves these questions, but to disparage the idea that these questions matter at all. To reject such thoughts in favor of more “spiritually enlightened” and “noble” criteria. Kind of like marrying an excellent Yeshiva- report card.
The problem is: You don’t have only an intellectual or spiritual relationship with your spouse. You have a physical one too, a VERY physical one, and ideally, an emotional one. When you are choosing your Rabbi or teacher, selecting a friend or an employee, it’s unnecessary and unfair to care much what they look like: just choose good, kind, inspiring, diligent, or trustworthy- whatever the relationship calls for. But for some reason, G-d programmed us to care what our life partners look like. He made it that some people turn us on, some turn us off, and some don’t interest us at all. He made interpersonal chemistry not exactly aligned with nobility of character; there are some people with hearts of gold whom I truly admire, but to whom I just have nothing to say, and others who may be less pious, but we just connect better conversationally. It’s not really “fair” or even entirely logical- but I didn’t make up those rules; they are human nature.
[For those who say “that’s not the Torah way,” TaNaCh has many examples of holy men and women who appreciated the good looks of their holy partners. And even outside the context of love, when Shmuel HaNavi was sent to anoint David Hamelech, he mistakenly assumed David’s older brothers were supposed to be the king. G-d explained to him: “Man sees to the eyes, but G-d sees into the hearts.” Even a holy man of G-d like Shmuel initially judged on appearance, and G-d affirmed that this is how we are wired.]
(Just to clarify: I am not justifying the very real problem of the opposite phenomenon: those who fixate and insist on asking about and scrutinizing a potential partner’s looks down to specific dress size, with little regard for anything else. That’s a separate, serious societal issue. But this post is addressing the problem of glossing over the issue of attraction entirely. Neither extreme is helpful or healthy.)
For those who find themselves dissatisfied in marriage due to lack of physical and/or emotional attraction, there can be a lot of shame and self-doubt. There is sometimes a sense of “what is wrong with me that I can’t get past this silly, subjective, shallow problem,” especially if the spouse in question is objectively appealing by others’ standards. There may be attempts to deny, repress or ignore the feelings. But they usually affect the relationship in some way.
The million dollar question: Can attraction be created where it didn’t exist before?
My answer: Sometimes, but there are no guarantees. And it depends on other variables per case.
It’s common to hear stories of people who didn’t like each other at all at first- one way or both ways, and then eventually developed strong romantic feelings- especially before engagement. But don’t bank on that happening.
Depending on how pronounced, long-standing, or compounded the obstacles are, there are some efforts than can be made to try and increase connection, if internally motivated.
But at least before the fact- especially in communities that tend towards quick dating and to emphasize the inner over the outer, please, let’s educate young people to acknowledge and honor their tastes and feelings of attraction, apathy, and aversion, when they are selecting a partner for life. It can save both of them a lot of suffering after the wedding.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
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Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com