Spousal Hygiene… An Awkward Problem
Shani prefaces her disclosure with discomfort: “This is not an easy thing to discuss. But it’s an issue for me. It has to do with cleanliness. I grew up in a home where we were expected to shower daily, brush our teeth morning and night, and generally clear up after ourselves. Besides that, we were taught to be aware of our natural body odors and use deodorant and mouthwash at least daily and more as needed. I never really thought about it as a value- I just thought it was basic self-care. I have friends who are more extreme- like ‘OCD’ about cleanliness, but I don’t think that’s how I am. I think I’m just regular. But I guess most people assume that the way they are is regular. This is what’s happening in my marriage: My husband- you wouldn’t look at him and think he’s gross. But living with him is a different story. He’s much more chilled about this stuff and I have a hard time with it. He can go several days without a shower. He doesn’t always brush his teeth and I can tell. He owns deodorant, but I don’t see him use it much, and by the evening, or when I get close, it can be unpleasant. He’ll wear the same clothes multiple times without washing- including socks and undergarments. And it comes out in household habits too- leaving food and dirty dishes out, tossing laundry on the floor, and trash out on surfaces. He’s a nice person, so I try to be a good sport, but it bothers me. I’ve asked him gently a few times about some of these things. He’ll do what I ask in the moment, but I think he finds my feelings about it nit-picky. He thinks it’s just a gender difference, but I’m not so sure- my brothers seem to be more sanitary. I’m not talking about high fashion or trendy hairstyling- just personal cleanliness. I wish I could ignore this, but it’s a turnoff to me. It gets so that I get nervous being around him.”
Shani is correct- this is not simply a gender difference issue- I actually hear this complaint from men about as often as from women. She is also right that a lot of these practices have to do with how we are raised, what was expected in our childhood homes. (It is not surprising that I concur with Shani, seeing as I fabricated her based on a bunch of different clients.) She also notes that there are extremes: some who are so unseemly that it is obvious to anyone and objectively offensive, and conversely those who are so pathologically punctilious that their standards are neurotic. Like with most values, the key is moderation, and there is a normative range.
Often in marriages like Shani’s, each spouse thinks the other is the atypical one. Since we don’t marry ourselves (generally speaking), we are always going to differ slightly from our spouses in various ways: one will be neater/ cleaner than the other, one will be more cautious with money, more punctual, religious, harder working- these differences are to be expected. The problem becomes when there is conflict that is causing distress for one party. Specifically with hygiene, there is a relational dilemma: it feels shaming and hurtful to have to point out that a spouse is in some way dirty, yet it’s a serious turn-off to live with someone who isn’t practicing good hygiene. It’s tricky to address, though: If the cleaner spouse is too preachy and naggy about it, the messier one might tune out, get defensive, resentful, or passive aggressive. If the cleaner spouse doesn’t address the issue at all, she may start to pull away, avoid close contact, or develop resentment on her end.
A better solution is to try and tactfully figure out a system of reasonable and realistic expectations, discuss them in a non-shaming, nonjudgmental way, and come up with a plan of how to implement and discuss the matter going forward. For every couple the arrangement may be a little different, depending on their particular behaviors, sensitivities and lifestyles. It can sometimes be hard to gauge normative cleanliness from over-meticulousness when there are differences of opinion, so I compiled a partial list below of what I (subjectively) believe to be some reasonable spousal hygiene requests.
Trigger warning: some items on this list are somewhat graphic
Daily showers with soap and shampoo, brushing teeth (at least) twice daily, mouthwash or strips after strong foods or before kissing, deodorant and/or perfume/ cologne, keeping nails well-groomed, tidying the restroom and shower after use, disposing of dirty tissues, hair shavings, nail clippings, and sanitary products discreetly, relieving flatulence in the restroom, attending to issues such as dandruff, acne, eczema, psoriasis, fungus, or halitosis, taking care to avoid touch or other contamination when contagiously infected or sick
Cover mouth when yawning, coughing, or sneezing
Change undergarments and socks to be washed daily, other garments after not more than 2-3 times, or more often as needed, dirty laundry, including towels, in hampers, clean laundry in closets or drawers
Chewing quietly with one’s mouth closed, not talking with mouth full, eating with utensils (not fingers), not licking fingers, not belching loudly/ saying excuse me if it happens, not putting one’s own utensil into the serving dish or the other’s food, clearing the place after eating, putting away perishables after use, trying to limit food consumption to “eating areas” of the house rather than, for example, in bedrooms.
Some people might read this and say: this is so obvious and minimal- it should go without saying. Others may feel it’s too demanding, while still others may feel they would add to the list. It’s for each couple to discuss and determine their own needs and agreements. Ultimately, it’s in the best interest of the marriage to communicate and strategize about these things effectively and respectfully, so that habits can be cultivated that promote feelings of consideration, comfort, and closeness.
[Author’s notes: Many couples argue and differ about division of domestic responsibilities and level of attention to household chores, organization, and living space cleanliness. While this is a common and important issue, it is beyond the scope of this post- this was to address the more sensitive and specific topic of personal hygiene. Whose job it is to do what in terms of keeping the house clean and how clean it should be kept- that we can try to tackle in some other blog post, at some other time when I want to avoid cleaning my own house. Another related issue deliberately not addressed here is when a spouse gains weight and the partner is bothered by it. Also- important and prevalent, but for another post.]
This post was written to be judiciously used as a catalyst for these delicate cleanliness conversations in otherwise healthy and stable relationships. Remember that with issues like this, how we express the message can make all the difference. Some tips to set up for success, for this or any other difficult talk: Choose a quiet, private, calm moment. Ask permission to bring up something delicate. (Proceed only if granted; if not then reschedule.) Express some form of sincere gratitude or positive feedback for something in the marriage- begin with love, and appreciation that you feel safe to bring up hard things. Then express your feelings compassionately, with “I” statements, focusing on requests rather than complaints or criticism. End with love- ask if they’re ok, if they understand where you’re coming from, if there’s anything they want to say to you back and then listen, respect, reflect, and respond. Say thank you for listening and being someone I can talk to like this. This is not a guarantee that the conversation will be well received or produce the desired or immediate results- just some ideas to begin a dialogue.
If you think of anything to enhance or amend the above lists, please feel free to email me or to suggest them in the comments section below.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
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A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com