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Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Powerful Narrative Therapy Technique
Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking:
A Transformative Three-Step Therapy Method for Addressing Inner Negativity
Based on the book with this title
Do you ever struggle with bad moods or low feelings? To some extent, negative emotions are a just part of being human. Almost everyone feels down sometimes- I know I do. Sometimes it can be mild or brief. Other times, when we wake up “on the wrong side of the bed” or encounter difficulties, we may feel that we are being ambushed by inevitable or overwhelming negativity. But the truth is, there are therapeutic techniques we can use to actively reprogram our moods more favorably. One such tool which I use frequently in my practice (and my own mind) is the Horizon of Healthy Thinking exercise. Take a quick look at the horizon picture featured above, and save that for a visual reference exercise in a few paragraphs.
How do moods start? Our moods are generally precipitated by our thoughts. Most of the thousands of daily thoughts we have are fleeting, but some stay with us a bit longer and create feelings. When we follow that thought-train and lean in to the feelings, that creates a mood. Moods can be temporary, or prolonged, at which point they become more of a state of mind, or a temperament. Repeated mood patterns and the way we respond to them, color our personalities. So the general sequence is:
Thought – feeling – mood - state of mind - personality. And it’s cyclical; lather, rinse, repeat.
Some of the thoughts we have are reflexive- they pop up instinctively in response to a stimulus or trigger, inside or outside of ourselves. Many of them are automatic, spontaneous ideas that flow rhythmically between our ears. When we are having a natural thought progression that is either helpful or innocuous, our moods tend to be pretty good. But when the thoughts generated by our minds become unhelpful or upsetting, this will cause the mood to dip.
Not every life circumstance is going to yield naturally happy thoughts, nor do they need to. But there is a way we can train our minds to meet reality where it is, but translate it into a psychologically healthy cognition, which will then in turn, precipitate more deliberate, effective thoughts, feelings, and moods.
For this technique, our thoughts can be categorized into three camps: unhelpful, neutral, or helpful. Now recall the horizon picture as a visual analogy:
Picture the water with a strong current- they become big, choppy waves crashing down, threatening to pull you beneath the surface, below the horizon. When we’re down, we’re floundering, sinking under the waters of unhelpful negativity. This can look like depression, rage, anxiety, hopelessness, toxic criticism, blame, or judgement- any potent, persistent, unwanted emotional experience.
Now picture calm waters, with a sailboat, bobbing along the waves, simply tracing the horizon of reality however it is. This represents a neutral state- passively following reality as status quo. It just “is.”
Finally, picture a seagull soaring upward, above the horizon. When we’re in a “good mood” we are generally producing mostly either helpful or neutral thoughts. This doesn’t necessarily mean positive; we can have helpful thoughts about a negative situation too, and there are times when misplaced positivity can be inappropriate and unhealthy. Above the horizon just means that we are in a healthy place- approaching whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, with either a productive, growth-promoting, or accepting mindset, like the seagull, gliding upward, over the horizon, toward the sky.
When healthy thoughts evolve organically- either because our brain chemistry is fortunately aligned that way, or because we find ourselves blessed with favorable happenstances, we can simply relax and enjoy the ride; our psyches are doing well on autopilot in those moments. When we are functioning in a neutral headspace, we tend to be ok with that too. The problem arises when we find ourselves in moods generated from unhelpfully negative thought patterns and feelings. The horizon of healthy thinking process suggests that we formulate the thought in three distinct, progressive iterations:
- The way it occurs spontaneously: below the horizon. Acknowledge the problem and the yucky feelings. This is important because we can’t correct what we deny exists.
- The way it would look if it were less toxic: on the horizon. Describe the problem and feelings more matter-of-factly, from a place of distance- as if it were about someone else, and solvable.
- The way it could sound if it were its healthiest permutation: above the horizon. Reformulate the issue and the feelings, in a way that promotes empowerment, growth, possibility, or acceptance.
It should be noted that the “above the horizon” version should not sound inauthentically cheerful and upbeat. It can and should be true to the experience, but just framing it in a way that is more useful. Here is very simple application of this technique in action, based on a true, recent incident. I had to fill out some important forms, but I accidentally ticked off the wrong box in one of the fields, which crashed the automated system. This resulted in my needing to spend a lot of time on the phone with service reps to locate and correct the error. Here are the three ways I could have narrated this vignette to myself:
- Below the horizon (drowning): I’m such an idiot! How did I not see the wording on that form? I messed this up completely- I hate technology, and I hate my own incompetence. It’ll take forever to figure this out, and then there will probably be another glitch. What a hassle!
- On the horizon (sailboat): Hm.. it seems that I answered something on the form incorrectly, and now it won’t process. And I’m not sure I know how to fix this myself.
- Above the horizon (seagull): Oh, I misunderstood that question, and it looks like that invalidated my application. I’m going to need to some help untangling the red tape on this error, so I’ll need to find a block of time to call customer service, and ask them to walk me through amending my input. I’ll also ask them to explain to me how this works, so I don’t make that sort of mistake next time. I’ll be glad to get this resolved.
See how the first reaction is overly self-critical and pessimistic, the second is just factual, and the third is constructive? This is the horizon method in action. It may sound like a simple moment, but I actually need to do this sort of reframe a lot; I don’t naturally have great frustration tolerance for my own mistakes or ignorance. These minor incidents can ruin a mood when processed in unnecessarily negative ways. But they feel empowering and motivating when processed as a learning experience. And when you apply this technique regularly and to heavier thoughts about oneself, others, or the world at large, you can begin to create newer, healthier thought patterns, which generate better feelings. These will forge new, brighter pathways in our brains, problem-solving, accepting, and appreciating our life events and stories from a place of possibility and strength.
*Note: This is brief a summary of a more elaborate approach. If these ideas resonate and you’d like to learn more about them, please check out the whole book: Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking on Amazon.com
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com