“I’m not sure if you’re interested or ready to hear this, but there is something I’d like to suggest, with your permission,” is something my clients hear often sessions. Advice is tricky. No matter how theoretically useful the recommendation I have might be, it is only of value if the listener is ready and interested in receiving it. If not, it is not only effectively worthless, but potentially harmful to the relationship and therapeutic process.
There is a profound psychological component to receiving Torah. G-d gives abundantly, infinitely, constantly. We receive subjectively, imperfectly, erratically, incrementally. As a group, we receive with unity, but as individuals we interpret and integrate contextually. In our daily Torah blessings, which set the tone for this relationship, we request that G-d make the words and matters of Torah sweet in our mouths, in the mouths of our people, so that our future generations will be drawn to them. Her ways are meant to be pleasant. This is how to teach children- and ourselves. This is so vital- we raise better Jews with honey than with vinegar.
The first chapter of Tehillim states: “he [the righteous one] desires G-d’s Torah and [with] his Torah he expresses day and night.” The Gemara interprets that if we want to desire G-d’s Torah, we need to seek out flavors and approaches of Torah that speak to our hearts, that resonate to our unique selves and souls. It takes courage to walk away from the shiur, sefer, shul, Yeshiva that hurts your spirit, and seek out truth, Divinity, and kindness in a language you understand and can digest. But that is what the Jews did at the very first taste of Torah. And it’s what gives us permission to continually do the same. Words of Torah have 70 facets, like a hammer scattering a stone- many and varied are words of the Living G-d.
Many of my clients (and friends and family and I) have had to regularly evaluate the sources of Matan Torah in their lives – family, community, institutions, and mentors. We all receive our version of Torah filtered through human and social elements. When that works well, we feel in harmony with our beliefs and practices, and with those around us. When it doesn’t or when we outgrow some of the assumptions or styles therein, we can experience a painful dissonance, a questioning of Truth that shakes us to the core spiritually and psychologically. Shavuos is a holiday that encourages us to check in with ourselves. With our relationship to G-d, to Torah, His gift, to receiving and observing. To ask hard, sometimes scary questions, and determine the what, why, and how to make this right for ourselves.
Shavuos is two days in the Diaspora and in philosophy. G-d was ready to give the Torah, but Moshe added on another day from his own opinion, according to the Gemara. And G-d approved. Matan Torah is one part of the equation, kabalas HaTorah is the other. First the giving, then the receiving. When the 10 commandments commenced, the Jews asked G-d to please let Moshe be the spokesperson- it was too much for them to hear it directly. If G-d speaks commandments in a way that overwhelms the nation, so much that their souls depart, that they beg for an intermediary, not only are they and Moshe allowed to request delay and calibration, but they’re praised for it. That self-awareness saves us.
It's often pointed out that there are no official mitzvos hayom for Shavuos. The accepting of Torah is an internal process- heady and personal. It's not something behaviorally mandated, or externally imposed; it's something we each have the right and privilege to absorb as we are and as we become. It's called Atzeret- a stopping point. We pause and reflect.
The 6th of Sivan commemorates G-d offering us Torah. The 7th celebrates our human, collective autonomous readiness and willingness to accept its sweetness on collaboratively designed terms, with the blessing of G-d and Moshe. And the legacy and permission to continue doing so.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com