“Do You Ever Just Cuddle?”
Yael’s arms are folded across her chest, and her legs tightly crossed as she describes her frustration:
“I guess I’m just turned off from any kind of touch at this point- I don't trust it. Most days, it’s just business as usual, except on the nights when he wants sex. That’s when he’ll start trying to be all warm and cuddly, but it’s so obvious that he’s just setting the stage for what he wants. He never just initiates a hug or holds hands for the sake of closeness; it’s just a not-very-subtle hint for getting his needs met. At first, I would feel played and used afterwards; now I don’t even fall for it anymore. And it’s weird because I can sometimes enjoy sex; I just don’t always want it to go there, or only to touch for that purpose. It feels base and empty that way.”
When assessing couples who come in to work on their sexual relationship, the topic of cuddling can play an almost diagnostic role. For most people, sexual experience is about so much more than the technicality of intercourse. Spouses will vary in their estimations of “how important the other stuff is.” But often when the sexual relationship is suffering, it has to do with a general lack of affection or intimacy that is not specifically geared towards intercourse. Of course, there are many reasons why a couple may have sexual problems- to over-simplify that would be unfair. But one issue that seems to be fairly common is the complaint on the part of one partner that “he only touches me when he wants sex.”
Good love-making doesn’t occur in a vacuum. The physical and emotional pleasure that can come from strong sexual connection begin well before intercourse. One could actually make the case that every loving word and interaction- in and out of the bedroom, could be viewed as a form of foreplay.
Does this always hold true? No, of course not. Relationships are complex. But as a rule: investing in kind, loving, and affectionate interactions throughout the day, week, month, and years, for the sake of the general relationship, is a great way to build intimate connection that could lead to better sex.
The following suggestion is one I give many of the couples I treat. It’s not appropriate for everyone, but it might be worth considering if this would be a good exercise for you and your spouse IF you both tend to enjoy mutual, consensual, affectionate touch, and are looking to increase or maintain intimate desire:
Decide that every night that is possible to do so ends with a 1-2 minute, non-sexual cuddle session. That means that when the first spouse is getting ready to turn in, s/he invites the other to join them in bed or on a couch, for some fully-clothed or pajamaed, G-rated gentle snuggle time. This means holding each other, back rubbing, arm stroking, general caressing, maybe some light, dry kissing, but nothing that specifically leads to erotic or heavy petting. Of course, on sex nights this could be a segue, but the idea is to create a ritual of connecting physically and lovingly in a way that is NOT specifically or exclusively a precursor to sexual activity. It’s similar to the idea (another exercise I recommend a lot – for another post..) of carving time for loving conversation that is not geared towards just that “business as usual” but is more of a verbal date to reconnect emotionally.
The nightly cuddle exercise demonstrates to the higher libido partner how enjoyable and important it can be just to share nonsexual physical bonding. It allows the lower libido partner to enjoy affectionate touch regularly without always feeling that it is a pressure or a hint for the other spouse angling to “get lucky.” The cuddle becomes a mutual gift of simple pleasure, separate from sex, but also a long term investment in sexual enhancement- like daily foreplay for occasional intercourse. Keeping up daily physical touch with the emphasis on emotional bonding serves to deepen a couple’s sense of consistent connection and offers the chance to end each day feeling cared for and close. The couples who discuss this experiment strategically, agree that they would both enjoy it, and then implement it regularly, tend to report almost immediate improvement in marital satisfaction and closeness.
*Please note: as stated earlier, this exercise is not right for every couple. Couples who should try this are ones who feel safe, consensual, comfortable with touch, and derive some pleasure from closeness. Those in unstable relationships, recovering from trauma- recent or past, or where one spouse experiences distress from touch, should NOT feel pressured to do any of this, ever, and should seek professional help to navigate these concerns appropriately.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
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A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com