Several years ago, I had been invited to an event that also featured a talk for kallah teachers, giving by a woman who trains them. At the end, she entertained some questions from the audience. One young Rebbetzin raised her hand:
“What should I tell a girl, who after 7-8 months of marriage is feeling no physical pleasure with her husband at all? She even finds the whole thing unpleasant..” A few other women looked up and nodded, their expressions implying that some of their students had the same problem.
The lecturer smiled and replied: “Ladies- tell ‘em to just fake it til you make it.”
My stomach turned a little. The context was not appropriate for me to speak out at the time, but I could not disagree more with her response. Since then, I’ve heard it again and again. And in fact, a big part of the way I make a living is helping people who got “advice” like that. But now, I’m speaking out:
Here’s the thing: Do you want to be in a dishonest relationship? Would you want your husband saying one thing while feeling, thinking, and experiencing something totally different, and disconnected from you? Would you want to be with someone who just pretends to agree with whatever you say and do? Would you say that makes for good love and intimacy?
I get where this well-meaning mistake is coming from: Maybe it just takes some people time to develop a taste for sexual pleasure, and why make the guy self-conscious in the meantime? We don’t want to hurt his feelings, or his fragile male ego. We don’t want him to think you’re not feminine enough to receive his gifts graciously. But I think we can give both the guys and the girls a little more credit.
To some extent there’s a fair concern: We certainly don’t want to clobber a nervous new husband with criticism and rejection or shame his fledgling love-making skills. But at the same time, sex IS a skill, and in marriage, it’s a two-person game and a two-way street. Most beginners at anything make mistakes and require practice and feedback before they find their mojo. And for most women, sexual activity that is not specifically enjoyable is generally very unpleasant. At the beginning that is often the case for many newlyweds. So I love when premarital educators encourage young couples to discuss their experiences after lovemaking, in order to gain awareness and improve along the way. It’s a very sensitive topic of discussion, but there are respectful, diplomatic ways to share one’s needs and feelings.
For example, one less constructive way might be: “OW- that hurts so much; what are you thinking? I don’t ever want you to touch me again, you filthy, bumbling Neanderthal!”
On the other hand, one could say: “How did that feel for you? For me, I could feel and appreciate you trying to give me pleasure. I love you and I really want to enjoy it, but I’m having some trouble relaxing, or maybe it’s a still little too intense for me. We’re both new at this, so we might need to experiment with different kinds of touch to see what feels good and what doesn’t. Let’s try and take it a little slower next time, and in the meantime I’ll show you what feels good, and what is uncomfortable for me, and you can do the same, so we’ll get to know each other tastes and sensitivities.” And then go on to describe what felt good or could feel good, and what did not.
As with any feedback, it’s nice to include some praise and positive, if there is any, both before and after the correction, so the recipient won’t feel so dejected. Even if the whole experience was awful, if your spouse is a good guy, you could say something like: “I know you love me and want me to feel aroused and excited with you; I very much want that too. But I think we need to revisit our sexual technique because the way we were doing it isn’t working for me yet, and I’d like to try and figure out what we can do differently, so it can feel really good for both of us.” Often, loving, clear, solution-oriented dialogue with a bit of research, can yield collaborative efforts to improve the sexual experience.
Many couples who tried to “fake it til they make it” eventually come in for therapy with a very eroded sexual and marital connection. When a wife is pretending to enjoy sex that doesn’t feel good, generally her husband can tell, and feels frustrated or confused. She too feels frustrated, and resentful, that she keeps giving over her body, putting on a show, and suppressing her feelings “for his sake.” This leaks into other areas, and often manifests somatically, as physical problems and/ or marital decay. One of both partners may avoid sex, because it has become dissociative. When they do engage, they each feel they’re “taking one for the team” rather than being intimate. A wife may lose interest in feminine self-care, become angry or depressed, or get preoccupied with the children or work, to distract herself from the bad sex and the man she associates with it. He might become irritable or disinterested or depressed. One of both of them may start avoiding even mild affection- physical or verbal, because the phony sexual communication poisons, cheapens, and calls into question any attempts at loving contact. When they are together, they roll over afterwards, both feeling empty and dissatisfied, and neither one comfortable to address the problem, because it doesn’t officially exist.
This may sound dramatic, but I know it to be widespread because I see these consequences every day. Does fake it til you make it work for anyone? Maybe for some- but it can definitely cause a lot of unnecessary suffering and is counter-productive for many others.
My advice to a partner who is having a hard time in bed, or in any other way, is to respectfully, delicately, but honestly discuss the problem. If the lack of pleasure, discomfort, or pain persist beyond a few times, it can be incredibly valuable to seek out guidance- the sooner the better. A knowledgeable premarital educator could be a good first step, but generally, if their lay advice doesn’t improve things, seek the help of a qualified and reputable professional. As is the case with most problems, when you intervene early on, it is significantly easier to address the problem, and there is less collateral damage to the marriage. These problems are generally very treatable; ignoring them can jeopardize marriages, attending to them can save them. Everyone deserves to try for authentic, mutual marital pleasure and intimacy, and learning what that can feel like and how to ask for it is where that journey begins.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
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A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com