You know that feeling where you finish a conversation, and then a little later, mentally review it and wish you could go back and change your answer? I had one of those., recently.
I was speaking at an event where the audience was invited to submit anonymous questions. One of the questions that was written in was one I’d heard before:
“I would like to observe the niddah laws the way I was taught them- not touching at all during the niddah time period, but my husband doesn’t want to; he feels just abstaining from intense sexual activity is enough, so that’s usually what we do, but I feel guilty. Not sure what to do about it, though.”
I said something along the lines of:
Couples confront lots of different areas of disagreement, and this is a discrepancy in a practice that affects both of them, so it needs addressing. This is one of those many delicate situations where the marital mixes with the religious. It’s very personal, and might benefit from consultation with both a Halachic arbiter and a marital counselor. I also encouraged them to discuss what deeper emotional needs are being met or not met, in the relationship, that might be hiding beneath this issue, and how understanding the feelings around this problem might present a collaborative way to navigate a solution where both parties feel heard and considered.
It’s not that I disagree with the answer I gave, but shortly after I left, I realized I had neglected a major point, and missed an important opportunity to educate, and so I will try for a do-over here:
It is never ok for one spouse to demand or force touch on another, period. Some people operate under the misconception that once a couple is married, their partner’s body is fair game, and consent for any kind of touch was given at the wedding until death do us part. But consent is an ongoing and vital prerequisite. For many couples this is a nonissue- they enjoy spontaneous touch, and mostly agree on the when and how of it. For them this intuitive system works. But many of the couples I see have a discrepancy in this area- personal or ideological. With some couples I treat, we need to put an “ask verbal permission clause” into their sexual work, because one party has been feeling unsafe or uncomfortable, either from past life experiences or from feeling pressured, smothered, or bullied, by the other one’s need for touch. In these marriages, for the time that this agreement is in place, they need to explicitly ask permission for whatever level of touch determined by the partner in need of boundaries, sometimes even for a gesture as simple as: may I hold your hand now?
While not every couple will require explicit verbal consent for every instance of touch, every single person in any sort of relationship, deserves the right to say no, or ask for touch to stop if they need it. Touching a person when s/he clearly doesn’t want to be touched is not loving- it’s selfish and disrespectful- at the very least annoying, and at worst traumatic. (And if they said no beforehand, it’s assault.)
Back to the original question: if she had only said: “We’re not sure what to do, because we disagree on how to observe the niddah laws,” and not that she was already doing it his way, then my answer would have sufficed. But the idea that one spouse felt she had to capitulate to unwanted touch against her own will or beliefs, warranted more focus.
So what should someone do if married to someone who seems to be pushing them away? Step one: don’t push back and bulldoze them; read the cue and have a conversation. Explain that you are feeling rejected and craving more physical closeness and contact, but don’t want to overwhelm. Listen to the response. There may be a clear solution. Step two: if the conversation does not prove productive, get help- ideally couples therapy, but if not, then individual counseling can help get the insight necessary to evaluate what is happening in the relationship and what can be done to improve it.
A healthy relationship is one is which is there is mutual respect, and that means only consensual touch. The rest is commentary.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
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A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com