Something I've been thinking about for awhile (like years) is how this time of year in the Jewish calendar, the months of Av and Elul, can be emotionally triggering for a lot of people. There is a two month emphasis on the heavier side of religious experience- loss, destruction, suffering, and then examining our deeds, reviewing our behavior, confessions, and doing repentance. The healthy version of this spiritual process, involves honoring the process of grief and mourning in Av, yearning for a better world, and then using the month of Elul leading into Tishrei to introspect, connect, release negativity from within ourselves and our lives, and rediscover and build out the best version of what we can be.
But due to a variety of factors- including a socio-political wave of anti-religious zeitgeist in the academic West, and some disturbing maleducation from our systems within, negative religion is becoming something of an epidemic. Particularly at this time of year, when we are encouraged to do and feel hard things- it's not so light and feel good, and it can depress or alienate people. I've seen it firsthand in varying degrees- personally and professionally - anxiety, OCD, and depression can get activated by this intense focus on fixing the broken- in the world and the self. And this time of year is just a zoom-in of what religion feels like for many in general, not only now. Particularly if they grew up in a home or school system that over-emphasizes guilt, shame, minutia, and "you're not good enough" messages instead of inspiring, loving, forgiving spirituality. So many kids (and adults) end up with a corrupted version of religion that's based on fear rather than love, based on societal pressure rather than personal integrity, based on compulsion rather than free will.
I don't believe G-d intended for it to feel this way. I know this is something I need to remind myself all the time. So what I've been wanting to start for awhile, is a project called: Joyful Judaism. I don't have an exact plan of what this would entail, other than trying to put out content that engenders healthy, empowered, uplifting feelings within the religious experience.
In this week's Torah portion, the story of Moshe breaking the tablets is repeated. He descends from the mountain, sees the people engaged in idolatry due to their own anxiety, fear of abandonment, and misunderstanding about what G-d had expected from them. Moshe makes a unilateral, shocking executive decision to take the holy Torah and smash it, because at that moment, the Jewish people simply could not handle the intensity of what it mandated. Without context, this could sound irreverent- even heretical. But the very last Rashi in the Chumash quotes G-d as saying to Moshe: Well done for breaking the tablets. Moshe understood and expressed that the Torah is there to uplift the people, not to crush them. And the entire Jewish nation was rewarded with the priceless gift of grace. Of knowing that we can and will mess up- sometimes in a big way, but that there is always the opportunity to heal and reconnect. Love, joy, and trust, are what create meaningful relationships.
Going from Av into this Elul season, I would like to take upon myself to try and do my small part to find, share, and generate healthy, balanced, joyful religious content, mostly on social media, (where this post originated) using #joyfuljudaism but maybe here too. I invite anyone who is interested in hopping aboard to participate in the comments below:)
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com