A teacher in my neighborhood once called me to talk about some frustrating feedback she had gotten at work. Apparently, a parent had called the school to complain that this teacher had made a couple of comments that were insensitive to the fact that one student was going through an extenuatingly difficult life event. The teacher felt bad- she hadn’t realized this child was suffering. She told me that in trying to defend herself, she responded to her superior:
“I had no way of knowing that there was a problem. This is a regular school for normal kids, not a ‘special’ school, or one for kids with ‘issues’. Shouldn’t I be able to make normal comments, and not have to anticipate or worry so much about serious issues?”
I think she was hoping I would validate her point, but I have a very different perspective, and since she had reached out sincerely, I opted to share it with her. I think it’s apropos to share in general, at the beginning of the scholastic year.
Every school that has live human students in it, definitionally, has serious issues, and therefore needs to be a special school. “Normalcy” is mostly an illusion, and a potentially harmful one, at that. If you are a teacher, and there are approximately 20+ vulnerable souls sitting in your classroom, here is what is best to assume, because it’s probably true:
You have at least one student who suffers from an anxiety and/ or panic disorder.
You have at least one student with low self-esteem and self-hatred.
You have at least one student with ADD or ADHD.
You have at least one student whose parents are divorced.
You have at least one student who has suffered a loss in the family.
You have at least one student with a serious, chronic, or painful medical condition.
You have at least one student who is a victim of and/ or exposed to domestic violence.
You have at least one student with a parent suffering from severe mental illness.
You have at least one student who has been or is being molested.
You have at least one student who is living in a state of poverty or neglect.
You have at least one student with an undiagnosed learning disability.
You have at least one student who thinks about wanting to die.
You have at least one student who was humiliated or emotionally abused by a teacher in the past.
You have at least one student who is starving for a smile, a compliment, or some attention.
You have at least one student whose life you can change by showing you believe in them.
You have at least one student who might be able to look back at your teaching as life-affirming.
Teachers- please understand the awesome power and potential you have to harm or heal, crush or uplift, neglect or nurture, intimidate or inspire. Children are carrying heavy invisible backpacks- please, choose kindness.
*Please note: I’m not suggesting that all these examples are exhaustive or equivalent- just a selection of not-obvious, not necessarily knowable concerns to consider.
**While this would be much easier to navigate if parents could and would notify teachers and administrators of challenging circumstances and traumas, more often than not, they don't. Sometimes it's due to not knowing about it themselves, other times due to fear of stigma, judgment, or indiscretion. In any event, we know that there are always more variables in a person's life than can be recorded in an academic file, so best to err on the side of compassion.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com