“I’m so happy and grateful- his Rebbe said he’s a meyuchad, a lamdan, really something special.”
“I just want to do whatever is best for my husband’s learning.”
“This is a good job for a working mom- it’s my privilege to support my husband’s Torah.”
“As long as we can, we’re hoping long term.”
“It’s a zechus for me, for our future children to have a chelek- it’s the battery that powers the world- im lo brisi..”
“It infuses our home and lives with kedusha.”
“He needs to rest- Gemara is mentally draining when you do it properly.”
“Of course- night seder is important.”
“I’m tired at night, but I want to be there for him..”
“Do you by any chance give a discount? My husband is in learning..”
“I’ll get up with the baby- you need to keep your head clear for morning seder.”
“I’m just gonna take on a few more hours to cover the babysitting costs.”
“I didn’t know they were allowed to raise the rent.”
“We live by bitachon. Tzintzenes haman. Nikneis b’yesurin.”
“Having things doesn’t make you happy. Torah is all we need. Bread in salt..”
“I wouldn’t ask him to run errands- every minute away from learning is bittul Torah. I’m his ezer.”
“Some people just don’t have the right priorities- an idealistic life requires mesiras nefesh.”
“Maybe we could ask my parents to help.”
“I’m so glad he’s doing this- I can’t remember the last time I davened or learned.. not my tafkid.”
“The kitchen is my beis medrash.. like the avodas hakohanim.”
“I don’t need new clothes, but how long can I push off a root canal?”
“Everything is so expensive.”
“Strep again? I can’t keep missing work like this..”
“Birth control is be’dieved.”
“I keep working more; why do we seem to have less?”
“I know I believe in this, but why am I so numb?”
“This is a Torah-centered life. I need to be stronger.”
“This is what we signed up for- no one said it’s easy.”
“I’m not sure how much longer I can do this..”
“Even if he went to work- what would he do?”
“I feel like the kids are losing out.”
“We hardly see each other- I don’t even know how he feels about all this.”
“I don’t even remember who I am anymore..”
There is tremendous shame for kollel couples who are struggling with their lifestyle. Kollel usually begins with confident, positive energy and a sense of possibility. There is an expectation to be a kiddush Hashem, an inspiration to others. To refute the nay-sayers, and promote idealism. But often it gets to a point where it’s just not working. Sometimes it’s the wife who hadn’t realized how difficult this poverty prerogative was going to be. Sometimes it’s the husband who starts to burn out from the pressure. It’s especially challenging when one spouse becomes disillusioned and the other doesn’t. I know because it comes out in couples therapy… A LOT. And this is just for the “lucky” couples who manage to find the time, money, and honesty to go for help.
Many Yeshivas and seminaries inspire/ indoctrinate young people with the ideology that the most or only authentic way of serving G-d is within a kollel lifestyle. They rail so emphatically about the unimportance of money, that they forget to tell you about the importance of money. (That is- until dinner season, or when you ask them for a tuition reduction- then they are generally willing to acknowledge the necessity of money.) Some couples manage more easily than other due to financial and/ or practical “help.” Help meaning- getting money and/or favors from others. That sometimes comes with complications, and sometimes it doesn’t come at all.
I’m sure there will be happy, thriving kollel or former kollel couples who come across this post, and react defensively: “What are you talking about? It worked so well for us! It’s not that hard, and even when it is, it’s our joy and pleasure to sacrifice for our beliefs.” Yay for you. Sincerely. Glad it's working for you and hope you continue to thrive. But that doesn't make you superior. It's sort of like telling people with infertility- “But it’s so easy to have babies! Look how many we have..” (Ok- not a perfect analogy- but you get the point. Just cuz it works for some, doesn’t mean it works for all.)
If you are stuck in a rut of kollel burnout, please: don’t suffer in silence. Acknowledge your experience and your feelings. Bring it up to your spouse- kindly, respectfully, but assertively. Bring it up again, if it doesn’t get resolved the first time. And again- not in a nagging, bitter way- but solution-focused. Speak to professionals or mentors that can help you evaluate your needs and options. There are even many Rabbis within the system who can validate and strategize, for those who need to make a change. It’s not a “yerida” to take care of your family. There are many ways to serve G-d; health, joy, abundance, responsibility, and collaboration should be among the foundations.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com