“This time of year is especially hard for me, but it’s actually always like this. I wake up in the morning, and I’m supposed to say ‘modeh ani’- thank you G-d, for giving me another day of life. And each day, when I open my eyes, that first short prayer is a struggle for me. I never asked to be born, and I don’t enjoy living. I try to do what I need to do, because I have responsibilities and people rely on me. I have some moments of happiness here and there, but overall, I would prefer not to be here. I find the business of living to be painful, scary, unpredictable, and distressing. I wouldn’t take my own life; that would be cruel to my family and I don’t want to go to hell. But ‘thank you’? Thank you G-d for another day, another year? For forcing me to endure this chronic suffering? How can I say that and mean it? This is how I start my day. And then I feel like a terrible, ungrateful person for not appreciating life. Ugh.”
Chaya is 26 years old, reserved and presentable, a devoted mother of two who works part-time in sales. Her marriage is stable but not blissful, which she attributes primarily to her struggles with depression. Her husband is a kind, hard-working man, but he doesn’t really understand her pain. He tries to be loving and supportive, encouraging her therapy and self care, but he realizes that he can’t fix this for her.
Chaya, like so many others who grapple with covert mental illness, is plagued by disheartening thoughts and beliefs that seem to make sense. Often the pathology takes on the eloquence of the brain itself, so it becomes very difficult to debate. There is a lot of pain, suffering, and uncertainty in the world. It often does feel like we are pummeled with one crisis after another- if not our own, then the hundreds of others’ whose names flood our Tehilim and tzedakah lists. It would be easier to not be created- even the Gemara says so. Why do we need to go through all this? And then say “thank you” for it?
It’s hard to argue with that kind of logic. [Pro tip: when real depression is at play, philosophical or theological attempts at chizuk will probably make it worse. Trust me on this one.]
And yet. There are people- many, extraordinary people, who have suffered, and know the suffering of others in a profound way, some who themselves have also wished to die at times, and sometimes still do, but who still find a way to live- not just subsist, but surmount, flourish, love, achieve, contribute, and hope. It’s not easy to do, and not everyone can do it every day. But the incredible resilience and perseverance of these warriors- many of them my clients, colleagues, and friends, inspires and strengthens me daily. For those who have not yet found that strength- we are here for you too.
There are no simple answers. But, at least in my mind, the “life” we pray for is not simply a life of labored respirating through the torture of existential angst. When I pray for life, I pray to merit a life authentically and voraciously lived- proactively, meaningfully, courageously, and pleasurably. That is the sort of life I want, for my loved ones and my people, and in fact the world over. We are taught that the righteous even when dead are called “alive” and the wicked, even while living, are called “dead.” In a similar light, maybe we could add, “a life, lacking the will to live, is not really a life, and feels like death, but a life with purpose and joy is what we mean when we ask for life.”
When we lack psychological wellness, it’s hard to access spiritual inspiration, or personal motivation. The morpheme “psyche” actually means soul or spirit. It’s a vicious cycle- depression creates hopelessness, which suppresses meaning, which further depresses. But the opposite is true too- a flicker of hope, joy, inspiration, or connection can sometimes spark a new trajectory and infuse fresh possibility into the darkness.
There are many Chayas walking among us- some at home, too fragile to go out, others well-groomed and accomplished, burying their pain beneath a veneer of poise, and still others inpatient- almost unknown or forgotten outside the walls of their treatment facilities. We might pray beside them in shul, eat lunch with them in the break room at work, walk past them in the supermarket, or have dinner with them at our family tables. They are more common than we realize. They need our love, patience, and kindness more than we know. And they also need us to stop making well-meaning assumptions and proclamations that “we’re so lucky to be alive” because it makes them feel even more on the outs.
During this season of those triggering words: “zachreinu l’chaim” (and the hundreds of other times we are obligated to request “life” in the liturgy, in the plural form) let’s offer up an extra prayer for a life that feels alive- for ourselves, and for those who are too pained to do so for themselves.
(And, yes, in case you were wondering, I named her “Chaya” on purpose.)
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com