Tzivi came home from preschool and told her mom that her Morah had gotten upset at her that day.
“Morah said I used a bad word. But I didn’t know it was a bad word. We were playing a game and I sat down too fast. I yelled out: ‘ow! I hurt my tushy!’ and Morah called me out of the game and told everyone we’re not allowed to say bad words in school. But I told her in our house tushy isn’t a bad word.”
Many parents and educators believe that teaching and allowing children to use the names of their private parts is inappropriate. (“Tushy” being one of the more benign and less sensitive terms, for the record.) But avoiding or forbidding words for any part of the body conveys a message that it’s not ok to recognize or communicate about these parts of ourselves and that policy can cause serious problems.
The most severe and notable problems are children lacking vocabulary and confidence to come to caregivers with problems- such as medical concerns or unsafe touch, and therefore not getting them addressed. Some kids will suffer from infections or physical problems because they are too embarrassed to tell a parent or doctor that something feels or looks wrong with their genitals. Even more tragically, many predators take advantage of this talking taboo, by telling their victims: “You know you’re not allowed to talk about this with anyone, right?” And if kids have been taught that private parts are bad words, forbidden topics, then the abuse can continue. This should be reason enough to override the reluctance to educate, but there are more too:
Two of the common sexual problems people struggle with are: sexual repression, and sexual preoccupation:
Sexual repression problems come out when individuals have developed an excessive level of inhibition, shame, or disassociation from their sexual selves. Such people may feel proud or glad that they don’t “suffer” from the “common human sexual sin temptations” but often that becomes a problem when they do want to engage in adult sexual relationships, and can’t turn the feelings on. They often feel very uncomfortable in their bodies and touching others, feeling that there is something wrong, dirty, or unholy about anything sexual. So many of my couples therapy clients suffer from a sexual desire discrepancy, in which one spouse developed sexual repression, and has little or no desire for intimate pleasure. This often creates marital conflict and personal distress for both parties.
Sexual preoccupation, at the other end of the spectrum, is the tendency to overthink about sexual thoughts. This can begin in adolescence or even childhood, when a young person develops a natural and healthy curiosity about sexual feelings and information. Ideally, these questions should be safe for kids to ask parents for honest reassurance, information, validation, and integration. But a child who has these thoughts, feelings, sensations, and questions, and is given the message that we are not allowed to discuss such things, will either repress (as discussed above) or obsess: begin overthinking, talking, or researching matters on their own. The “forbidden fruit” quality to this sort of engagement can mushroom into misguided, inappropriate, or dangerous levels of information-seeking, ruminating, or experimentation. When kids are deprived of this information, they also are at higher risk for disrespecting their own bodies or others, and of either being exploited or exploiting others with unwanted touch. Knowledge empowers them to set crucial boundaries- for themselves and vis-a-vis others.
Homes and communities where private body parts and sexual phenomena are completely omitted from any education, tend to generate both repression and obsession- a preoccupation with either avoiding or over-seeking sexual stimulation, and sometimes a confusing see-saw between both. Conversely, homes and communities where information is shared respectfully, honestly, and with an emphasis on both safety and body positivity, are equipping kids to develop a mature, balanced approach to their sexual safety and future physical intimacy.
Kids and teens will and should develop sexually, whether or not we discuss or acknowledge it. Avoiding use of words for genitals or sexual sensation, communicates that we’d best deny our bodies and the way we feel in and about them. Until it’s too late. On the flipside, teaching our kids biologically accurate terms for all body parts, as well as boundaries and context for what happens with them, empowers them towards better safety, understanding, and a healthier sexual future.
*Many parents who hear these ideas respond that they recognize the logic in better sexual education, but that they lack the comfort level or knowledge to educate their kids appropriately. There is no need to reinvent the wheel- there are some wonderful books and online resources for this. In the coming months, I am planning to launch a digital course, titled: “Sacred, Not Secret: A Religious Parent’s Guide to Healthy, Holy, Sexual Education.” The objective of this course is to provide a comprehensive framework, including parent education, real life dialogue examples, and detailed explanations, to make you the primary and healthy source of this content for your family, while honoring your religious values. Please click the link below to see the course:
https://elisheva-s-school.thinkific.com/courses/sacred-not-secret-the-religious-family-s-guide-to-healthy-holy-sex-education
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com