Please Note: This post contains explicit content, is for mature readers only, and may be triggering for survivors of trauma.
Fay and her husband, Alex, have a nice relationship- for the most part. They can share deeply and laugh together, support one another, and work out differences that arise respectfully and amicably. In the bedroom too, they enjoy cuddling and kissing. But when the foreplay gets more erotic, and especially when they become more exposed, Fay shuts down. She can’t bring herself to partake in any pleasuring that involves direct genital stimulation, in either direction. They do have intercourse, but at a certain point in the night, she mentally checks out and just wants it over with. She wants very much to enjoy their sexual relationship, but the idea, sight, and feel of genitals completely disgusts her. In her case, it’s not only his but, to a lesser degree, even her own. Fay has no recollection of any traumatic or inappropriate or unwanted sexual activity in her history. Her husband is gentle, respectful, hygienic, and otherwise attractive to her. She feels silly about her problem and wishes she could just get over it. They are both confused and frustrated by it, and want to figure out if there is a way to change it.
Fay has what is called a sexual aversion disorder. This a particular type of discomfort that can manifest in different ways. Some phrases are used interchangeably but have linguistic and practical differences:
Erotophobia: Fear of the erotic- including romantic, intimate, and/or sexual – including language
Genophobia: Fear of genitals and genital contact
Coitophobia: Fear of sexual activity or intercourse
These can present in a variety of ways, sometimes presenting as a revulsion toward all or most sexual activity. In her case, it is localized to just the genitals (sometimes people have it for only their own or only a partner’s. Some feel aversion to the entire body of the opposite sex.) Some people have aversions to contact with body fluids, which can also inhibit pleasure. While this can be a common reaction to sexual trauma, some erroneously interpret this phenomenon to mean the person must have been abused. The reality is that, like Fay, many sufferers have no known history of inappropriate touch.
What is true is that people are not usually born disgusted by genitals, and that is something that is picked up along the way. Many kids and teens get the idea that private parts are revolting- either overtly, or implied, from home, or from school or peers:
“Ew- gross; don’t put your hand down your pants, that’s disgusting!”
“Ugh- your underwear has nasty germs; keep it away from the other laundry.”
“People who touch themselves are sick perverts. And sinful.”
“Yuck! Don’t look at that- there are naked people and it’s so nauseating.”
“Go put some clothes on; no one wants to see you like that.”
Some young men or women have heard cruel remarks made about their or others’ bodies- in a locker room, at a urinal, at a mikvah, or online, and interpreted it to mean there is inherent shame associated with them. And when preteens and teens hit puberty, and develop age-appropriate curiosity about their bodies and others’ the way they react, share, hide, obsess, repress, or process those thoughts and feelings can have a lasting impact on their sexual self-image.
Genophobia and sexual aversion disorders are not always due to specific outside influences- sometimes it has to do with how children develop relationally to themselves. But babies are not born with shame, it gets programmed and acquired somewhere along the line.
The good news is that these issues can be treated in the context of a good relationship, appropriate, competent therapy, and psychosexual re-education. (But not by forcing yourself prematurely, or faking being fine with it when you're not.) And the even better news is that many future cases can be avoided altogether with healthy, empowered sexual education throughout child and adolescent development.
If you are someone who struggles with one of these aversion disorders, know that you are not alone, it’s not your fault, and that there is help that can make a difference. And if you are a parent who wants to reduce the risk of your children developing one, know that there are resources – books, articles, and classes- that can help you learn to educate your kids toward a healthier, more wholesome body image and sexual self-concept.
For a look at mine, please click below:
https://elisheva-s-school.thinkific.com/courses/sacred-not-secret-the-religious-family-s-guide-to-healthy-holy-sex-education
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com