More Shovevim thoughts on enhancing marital intimacy:
Something I have struggled with for a few years now is wanting to create and share more information for religious brides and grooms, more publicly than just with my private groups and clients. I actually have a document script for kallah teachers, that I have been editing slowly over the years, and sharing judiciously. But something held me back from posting it publicly- it's delicate, so culturally specific, so imperfect and potentially open to misunderstanding or distortion. And something I've learned over the years, is that sometimes I read back stuff I've written in the past, and no longer agree with it, so that's scary too. At the same time, any time I've shared it, the feedback I got was that this sort of info needs to be publicized further, so I've been conflicted. What I've done a couple of times, is that during a lecture or on a private (relevant) listserv, I've described the document, and offered to privately email it to anyone who felt they would benefit from having it. That felt like a good compromise- making it available to those who seemed to truly wanted to use it for the good. But it still limited the distribution to just the audience of those private talks and teleconferences.
At this point, I am offering it here, not publicly on my blog, because it is quite sensitive, but offering the option to email me a request for this material. It is basically geared to bride educators, as a script to include in their religious premarital education curriculum, specifically about becoming sexually active within marriage, but others can benefit from read it too. Here is who I believe would benefit from it:
Anyone involved in educating young women and new brides- moms, teachers, Rebbetzens, therapists, or mentors.
Anyone who is sexually active and/ or planning to become sexually active in an Halachic framework.
Anyone who wants to broaden her understanding of a Jewish approach to marital intimacy.
Here is who I would prefer DIDN'T request the document (FYI I have no way to enforce this.. it's an honor system):
Men. I know. But, yeah.
Anyone under the age of 16.
Anyone who hates religion or Halacha.
Anyone who is looking for reasons to mock or deprecate religious tradition.
Anyone with a trauma history, and/ or who gets triggered by explicit sexual information.
Anyone who intends to send me lewd or malicious messages (which I always ignore and block).
(I am however, very open to constructive criticism, respectful disagreement, or feedback. I'm always happy to learn and correct myself.)
So if you believe you would benefit from this material, and would like a copy, please feel free to send me an email:
Speaktosomeone@gmail.com
There is no charge for this document. I just ask that you not share further, pls. (Again, I can't enforce that. Just hoping for respect.)
But I will unapologetically plug my new, related course, which is designed to help preempt some of the damage control we need to address before marriage, here:
https://elisheva-s-school.thinkific.com/courses/sacred-not-secret-the-religious-family-s-guide-to-healthy-holy-sex-education
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com