One year, when I went to shul for megila reading, I was a few minutes early, so I stopped to watch the adorable costumed children running around. I saw many little girls dressed up as princesses, fairies and brides, and most of the little boys were pirates, robbers, and ninjas. Not a prince in sight. A preschool version of the “shidduch crisis.” Of course, that was a joke, but the metaphor might fit…
If you ask any Yeshiva grade schooler what we learn from the Purim story, both the “good guys” and the “bad guys” you would probably get one of several common, correct answers:
Seek to notice G-d’s hand in the course of human events and our own lives.
Don’t go to non-kosher parties or get drunk with bad people.
Don’t bow down to villains.
Give credit to the original information source.
Be brave and stand up for your people.
Prayer and repentance can bring salvation.
Something about triangular cookies and hats.
But what you would be unlikely to hear is this: Bad men hurt women- and we shouldn’t do that.
One can attend 12 years of cumulative 6 figure religious schooling, and never learn that Achashverosh was systematically capturing and raping virgins to see which one he liked the best. We know he was a drunk, a fool, but we tend to gloss over the fact that he was a predator.
Now I get where this would be difficult to illustrate or incorporate into preschool plays. But for our teens, this is a great opportunity to teach about healthy sexuality, from its reverse.
“Do you know why Achashverosh was evil? Not only because he drank too much and was a materialistic show-off. But because he looked at and treated women like objects. He took advantage of his position, abused his power, humiliated his wife, and violated many innocent girls, just for his own selfish, animalistic pleasure. That’s what a wicked person did then, and unfortunately some still do today. Good men don’t do this. Good men are loyal, respectful, kind, and gentle. Good men want to understand a woman’s mind and feelings, not only her body.” Then we teach our boys how to think about, see, and treat women. That there are men, thoughts, and behaviors that are cruel, selfish, and objectifying, and others that are noble, chivalrous, and honorable. That many men have moments of temptation, where they might feel the urge to see and treat women like Achashverosh did, (and the pornography industry does) but that a good man chooses not to. We teach our girls how to respect themselves enough to recognize and avoid men who only see them as pretty faces and bodies. Not to be flattered by that kind of attention. And instead, to seek out the good ones, who will treat them well, respect and support their endeavors, and who have the interest and will take the time to get to know what’s in their minds and hearts.
Haman represents leaving things to chance- to the wheel of fortune. We, in contrast live with intentionality. Instead of leaving our children’s sexuality education to luck, we can draw from holy sources to point out and explain examples of right and wrong, which are relevant to our lives today.
This Purim, while we are celebrating, davening, singing, distributing goodies, and learning megila, maybe some more families will use this teaching opportunity for this other lesson, perhaps one of the most important ones for preparing them for healthier relationships and creating a better society. Wishing everyone a safe and happy Purim!
*To learn more about religiously based sexuality education, please click here
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com