A Homeschooling Thought For the Homebound at This Time
Every year, around this time, I wonder why these two parshas are necessary. As it is, the amount of technical detail described in Terumah and Tetzaveh regarding the construction of the temporary sanctuary are difficult to relate to our personal lives. But then to rehash for another two sedras, could seem excessive..
At the moment, we are experiencing an unprecedented shut-down of communal life. No shuls, no schools, no simchas, no learning centers. All the places described as “mikdash” are off limits. Except one.
At the beginning of the construction of the Mishkan, G-d says: “Make me a Holy place, and I will live among them.” The Rabbi say that it says “among them” rather than “in it” to hint that it’s not the brick and mortar (or gold and wood) edifice that G-d inhabits, but within the people themselves. They extrapolate that we should create sanctuaries in our private homes and hearts, called: “Mikdash Me’at: Microcosmic holy spaces.” That is where the Divine rests- in our homes and in our souls. The sedras continually reference the phrase: “wisdom of the heart”- a Biblical source for emotional intelligence, which the Torah says is the specialty of women.
In this parsha it says: “And all the women whose heart[s] uplifted them with wisdom, wove the ‘izim’.” The word izim literally refers to the goat hair, which had to be processed beginning even before the shearing. But the word “izim” also means “boldness” or “strengths.” If we use the metaphor of building a mishkan to mean creating a spiritual space in our homes and hearts to invite the Divine, maybe we can interpret this verse as follows: “And all the women who have the privileged spiritual power to self-motivate and inspire others. To utilize their superior emotional intelligence to weave together strengths and abilities during hard times. To marshal their own talents, creativity, and resourcefulness, and to uplift others to do the same. To fortify their homes with resilience and growth, so that even when all other sanctuaries are shut down, when the big centralized institutions are brought to their knees, we can build sanctuaries in our homes and hearts to nourish ourselves and our families spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically.”
These sedras are called: vayakel and pekudei- which means gathering and accounting. We can no longer gather live for the time being, but it’s a great opportunity to gather our own households, to take an accounting of our communities, our families, our individual and familial needs and strengths, and generate authentic holiness from the inside out.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com