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How to Run Family Meetings
Family Think Tank Meetings
So we find ourselves suddenly spending more time at home with our families than we ever have before. Trying to juggle parenting, schooling, extra meal prep and housework, working from home, and managing the ever-changing health crisis, with little knowledge or preparation. As parents, we often feel like we need to have clear answers and a definite plan when we’re honestly all learning as we go along.
One tool that I recommend to many of my client couples who are struggling with family dynamics to call family meetings. A family meeting is exactly what it sounds like, and can be a fantastic way to create and model teamwork and collaboration. Now if you have twin one year olds, this is probably not going to be super-helpful for them, but even couple meetings can do this trick. I don’t like to give a lot of rules and parameters, because every family is different and needs vary. But here are some ideas that tend to work well for most:
- Everyone is invited but no one is obligated to come.
- Give notice, and try to make it pleasant- put out snacks, drinks, pens, paper, and a white board, if you have one.
- Parents- create a loose agenda of topics to cover, but open to more options from kids.
- Begin by thanking everyone for coming. Then explain that the point of the meeting is put our heads together, and think of ideas that will make things run more easily and nicely in the house for everyone. All reasonable requests and suggestions will be written down for consideration.
- Recommend that someone who has something nice to say begins. This can be a compliment or an expression of thanks.
- Establish some rules of respect such as: waiting turns, no interrupting, shouting, name-calling, insulting, or cursing. Instead, encourage family members to “turn complaints into requests”- figure out what they would “yes” like instead of what they want to criticize. This takes practice, even for adults, so be patient with everyone.
- Everyone gets teh chance to speak and be heard. In order or by request. If too many people are talking at once, a parent should assign turns. Some families find a “talking object” helpful; others find it annoying.
- Discourage siblings (and adults) from immediately shooting down anyone’s thought- even if it’s unrealistic or silly. It is very comforting to feel heard and validated, even if a request cannot be granted. For example: A 5 year old says: I think we should just call some construction workers and ask them to build us another house in the backyard so we have more room to play. Instead of right away rejecting this fantasy, empathize, validate, and translate: “So you’re saying you wish we had more space? And you would love to figure out a way to get more play area? Yeah, that would be really great. Let’s see what we can try to do about that.” Write down “more area to play.” [Then maybe offer to clear off an area rug to offer as an alternative.]
- Don’t let it go on for too long. We want to set this up in a way that people will want to do it again. So don’t let it drag on, especially if people seem to be getting bored or fidgety. Not everything needs to be solved- half the point is just facilitating communication and cooperation.
- End off by summarizing and praising: “Great job, guys! So far it looks like what we talked about was: [example list] how to keep the house cleaner, how people can get more privacy, what meals and snacks the most people like, how to say no thank you nicely when someone wants to play a game with you, and how to listen to music without disturbing others. You guys came up with some terrific ideas (you can specify individuals but then try to include each kid). Let’s all try to think of more suggestions to share next time! So glad we did this and so proud of your participation!”
Many families benefit from weekly meetings, but they can be as frequent or infrequent as needed. Don't feel discouraged if they don't go so smoothly at first- these things take time and trial and error. But most couples to whom I recommend this report overall positive responses from their families, so it might be worth a try!
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com