I've been hearing from clients, colleagues, friends, and readers who are parents, and also from teachers, that they are struggling with the current schooling situation. With the new obligation to not only have kids around always, and enforce new strict health and distancing measures, but also comply with schools' attempts to translate classroom into distance learning. (It's not going great.)
As a homeschooling family for several years, this hasn't really affected our schooling routine as drastically. But I decided to compose a sample letter for anyone who wants to try and collaborate with their schools, which can be copied and adapted as needed for their own kids and school relationships. Wishing everyone health and safety during these challenging times...See below for letter draft, and feel free to share forward (it has already been shared on social media as well):
Dear School Administrators,
Thank you so much for everything you do for our children and the community. Thank you specifically for trying to preserve a modified daily learning program for our children. We understand that this crisis has caught you relatively off guard, as much as the rest of us. Your dedication to education is beautiful.
We, as parents (and/or teachers) are also scrambling to regroup around this new abnormal normal.
Our children are scared and confused, and some of us are too.
We hear alarming, conflicting news, and get calls for Tehillim (Psalms for the sick) constantly.
Some of us are trying to work, losing money, and worrying about our jobs and businesses.
We are trying to prepare for yom tov while enforcing social distancing and hand-washing.
None of us knows how long this will last- the situation or our health.
Everything feels shaky and unstable right now, but we are trying to muster Emunah (faith) and be strong for our kids.
We are praying, trying to stay as calm and focused as we can while trying to care for our families’ basic physical and emotional needs.
We appreciate, in theory, that you/ the teachers are sending us zoom calls/ conference calls/ assignments. We surely don’t have the experience or immediate material to create curricula ourselves.
Yet, trying to get each kid to sit nicely, in a quiet enough spot, find enough phones/ devices for them to participate at specific times, and then making them follow up with assigments, is proving to be very stressful for kids and parents alike. In some cases unrealistic or even impossible.
Right now, our priorities are matters like medical and mental health. And while education is generally a premium value for us, we feel that we currently need to focus on educating the kids to manage this new situation with resilience, rather than keeping up with academics. Ultimately, we are trying to raise children who will be able to navigate life situations with integrity, maturity, and grace. For many of us, this needs to be a full-time endeavor for now.
So we are requesting that you reassess the distance learning program- perhaps by just making it optional for both teachers and students. So that the ones for whom it provides comfort, structure, and stimulation may continue to enjoy those benefits. But the ones for whom it compounds an already incredibly difficult situation, may alleviate some of the extra distress and overwhelm.
Thank you for always being attuned to the needs of our families and community. Fervently praying for an end to this pandemic, and the ability to resume the blessings of regular life and learning.
Respectfully and gratefully,
Your Names
(Feel free to attach this little poem to further illustrate the point.)
What if we covered a little less math,
and instead teach kids what really counts.
Less social studies, and more social skills.
Less biology, and more health and wellness.
Less chemistry and more communication.
Less physics and more physical activity.
Less literature and more loving kindness.
Less political science, more personal growth.
Less civics and government, and more social responsibility.
Less computing and more compassion.
Less language, and more laughter.
Less studying for tests, and more resilience for life tests.
Less competition and more collaboration.
Less information and more inspiration.
Less cramming and more creativity.
Less pressure and more pleasure.
Less about grades and more about giving.
This is an opportunity for families to learn what actually matters.
-Elisheva Liss
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com