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Five (or Six) Stages of Corona-Grief
The 5 (or 6) Stages of Corona- Grief:
By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
The famous “five stages of grief” were formulated and described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her books: On Death and Dying and On Grief and Grieving. The sixth was add by her colleague, David Kessler. Most experts agree that emotional experience is not uniform or linear, but highlighting some universal processes and what they feel like can be comforting and validating. I’ve been thinking a lot about those stages as our world struggles to deal with mourning life as we knew it:
- Denial: For many individuals and communities, the initial reaction we had when the news of COVID19 hitting our shores was one of: “Oh, that’s just one of those things that the media will create hype and hysteria about. It’ll be fine- it’s basically like the flu. It’s not fun, but most people will just have some mild symptoms.” There was a false sense of invincibility about us. This was so hard to believe, that we sort of rejected it. Not us, not here, not that bad. Even now, when there is no denying the apocalyptic quality of the repercussions of this virus world-wide, we retreat into moments of denial, in order to occasionally indulge in a feeling of safety.
- Anger: People are angry. Angry at China. Angry at other people who are not taking the recommended precautions seriously. Angry at family members who are just spending too much time in our personal space. Angry at G-d. Angry at themselves. And angry at the world. We get to feeling like things are “supposed’ to be safe, secure, and orderly. How dare Corona mess with that? It sometimes feels better to blame than to cry, at least in the short term.
- Bargaining: Ok- we got it. This is serious. We will shut down all the gatherings and nonessential everythings. We will wash our hands, wear masks, social-distance (as a verb), quarantine, buy all the toilet paper, and homeschool our kids. We will pray and make donations and post encouragement to each other all over the internet. We can “zoom” our jobs, right? But, hey, Corona? Once we play by your rules, we surrender to your power- can you leave us alone?
- Depression: Hospitals are overflowing. The death toll is skyrocketing. Our lives as we know them have effectively stopped. We are clearly powerless against this evil force. We weep and give up any last shreds of illusion of control. We consume many carbs and Netflix episodes and post the F-bomb all over social media. We forget what day of the week it is, and our circadian sleep patterns. Showering and getting dressed are optional. Crying is frequent.
- Acceptance: So here we are. We don’t know how long this will last, but it won’t be quick. We try to breathe, and pace ourselves. We can’t fight this thing directly, so we begin to focus on what we can do. One day at a time. Trying to be sanitary while preserving our sanity. All this change and isolation is lonely and scary and depressing but it’s what we need to do for now. Set ourselves up to function in this limited way as best we can and hope for the best.
- Meaning: Why is this happening to us? We don’t really know. But sometimes, some of us can use it as a catalyst for personal growth. Some days are harder than others. Some moments and circumstances are about survival and grace, for being patient with ourselves and our loved ones. But others- those other special moments, when we have the wherewithal to ask: How can I be of service? How can I use this nightmare as a springboard to hone the best version of myself? How can I help those less fortunate? How can I be creative, resourceful, and contributive in the face of this colossal challenge? Those moments are where the magic happens. When we clap for the medical heroes and raise money for the ill and bereft. When we collaborate to honor the fallen and support the sick. When we find the resilience to count our own blessings and share them with others. That is the stuff that keeps us going, creating light within the darkness.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com