Validation and Motivation: From Tension to Intension
When it comes to the self-help messages, I’ve noticed a split between two streams of thinking.
One approach takes the tone of validation and grace: “It’s ok to not be ok. Just accept your feelings and allow things to just be. If all you did today was survive, that’s good enough.”
The other takes the tone of a coach, or motivator: “We can do hard things. Challenges are opportunities. Growth begins outside the comfort zone and stretches us to become our best selves.”
Here are some examples, relating specifically to now:
“Now that we are home with fewer obligations and distractions, we can use this extra time to organize the house/ get in shape/ learn a new language/ launch an online business…”
Or…
“Now that we are all disoriented from our regular routines, we need to slow down, attend to our emotional needs, not add extra pressure on ourselves. We need to understand that it’s ok to just be a mess, and stay in pajamas and watch Netflix, if that’s what helps us get through these difficult days.”
Another set:
“Now that the kids are home with us, it’s a chance to bond, make routines and learning schedules, do projects, chore wheels- become that strong, connected, productive family that grows close and resilient in hard times.”
Or…
“Now that there is more stress on everyone than there was before, it’s ok if we cut ourselves and our kids more slack than usual- screen time, bed time, junk food- these are comforts that allow us the breathing space we need. It’s just about being kind and gentle with ourselves and our loved ones; the rest doesn’t matter that much right now.”
There is sometimes a beautiful synthesis between these two types of beliefs, because, of course, like almost everything else, it’s about balance. We can’t always be pushing ourselves hard, (and certainly not others). And then there are times where we do need to push through a challenge in order to grow or even just get through it.
Lately, I’ve noticed some judgment and even hostility between the two camps. The “coach” tough-love types saying things like: “You’re just being too soft; you lack will power/ discipline/ resilience.” The validators mocking, or saying: “stop it with the all the preachy, over-achieving, self-improvement messages- we are all just wonderful exactly the way we are; no need to change a thing (Karen).” Somehow, my not wanting to institute certain standards gives me license to denigrate others who do, or vice versa.
In Jewish mysticism, this dichotomy can be labeled: Chessed/ Rachamim and Gevurah/ Din and Ahava/ Yirah. They mean: Lovingkindness/ Compassion and Strength/ Justice and Love/ Reverence. (They are represented in the duality of how we write vs how we enunciate G-d’s holy name.)
In our relationships to ourselves, with G-d. and with others, we need a combination of both ingredients. Lovingkindness and compassion are like validation, giving, accepting, and grace. They are the primary values upon which the world exists. But there also need to be boundaries. Endless grace, patience, and kindness allow for exploitation. So strength and justice are added to the mix. G-d can be loving and say “give charity” (lovingness/ compassion) but on the flipside “don’t steal” (strength, justice.) We, with other humans can say: “I forgive you for hurting me” (lovingkindness) but also “Since it keeps happening, I need to take some space from the relationship.” To ourselves, we can say: “I love and accept myself for the core pure soul that I am, and recognize that I deserve happiness and health” while also saying “I acknowledge that have some habits and tendencies that could be harmful to myself or others, and I need to work on refining those parts of myself.” To our children we say: “I love you no matter what.” And: “There are certain behaviors that are not allowed.” To the world at large, we can say: “I choose to live and let live, I accept our differences with love and understanding.” And: “As long as the way you practice your differences doesn’t encroach on the basic human rights of others.”
One way to look at it is: when to say yes, and when to say no. To ourselves and to others.
These 7 weeks of the Omer are how we count the time from liberation to enlightenment. It’s not enough to just have freedom; it needs to be utilized for the good. Each week represents a different energy, a Divina Sefira that we can reflect and embody. The first week is Chessed, lovingkindess, because that is the foundation that makes the world go round. Without it, we can’t exist. But with only unboundaried chessed, there is breakdown of society; there needs to be some accountability, justice for violation, order and structure, and inner strength to uphold a moral value system. This is the delicate integration of lovingkindess and strength, compassion and justice, validation and motivation. For each of us individually, within our relationships, and for society as a whole. It’s not either or; it’s both.
meme graphic credit: instagram.com/barianna
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com