Hey, parents! How are you holding up??

With schools scrambling to formulate and convey their plans to reopen, many parents find themselves faced with the mixed blessing dilemma of choice.

Do you send your kids to school in masks and small group capsules, with modified schedules, and stressed out teachers, everything unknown and uncertain as to protocols and risks?

Do you opt for the zoom-schooling, distance learning improv that was sampled last year?

Or do you take education into your own hands and homes, creating a system designed to meet your own children’s needs, but relying heavily on parental responsibility and attention?

Once again, we find ourselves in unchartered territory- we don’t know what the needs and systems will be next week, next month, or for the duration of the schoolyear.

But decisions need to be made and fast.

Choosing between homeschooling and crowd-schooling is usually further complicated by the fact that institutional schools often look askance at homeschoolers, which can make it difficult or unpleasant to stream back in if you ever want to. (One day I’ll write up a list of some of the misinformed things people say about and to them.) But under these circumstances, I imagine most schools would probably understand if you wanted to start the year homeschooling, and then chose to re-join at a later time.

As many of you know, our family has been homeschooling for about 8 years, and we’ve seen kids through brick and mortar schools too. We love homeschooling. I know it’s not for everyone, but I believe that many more families would benefit from it if they knew more about it and were open to trying. If you were on the fence, and/ or you are concerned about the instability of what is happening this fall, now might be your chance to experiment with home education.

Every year around this time, I get calls from parents who have questions about homeschooling. I began doing consulting work for families, lecturing, and speaking on the topic. Ultimately, I put together a mini course including the most common questions, concerns, and conversations I have with prospective homeschooling families. Questions about curriculum, scheduling, juggling multiple kids and responsibilities, work, socializing, and requirements.

Gifting your kids with the chance to educate from home in a loving, customized, values-driven way is not as hard as it sounds, and might really end up being the best decision you can make for your family. (Our only regret is that we didn’t start sooner!) I opened up whole new possibilities of enrichment, travel, experiences, volunteering, creativity, and cultivating relationships. It’s made our family stronger, wiser, happier, more spiritual, and more confident.

If you’ve been considering doing this, and you’d like to learn more about it, take a look at this compact, comprehensive, self-paced overview and guide.

 

 

Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?

Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?

(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)

Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.

It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.

Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.

Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.

It’s determined by and customized to each couple.

There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)

When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.

Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?

The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)

The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.

Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:

“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.

I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.

It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.

Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!

The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”

Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.

Check out my course!

A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret

Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com

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