For those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, you may have noticed that while I occasionally share examples from my own experiences, there is very little here about the personal details of my life.
Part of the professional training that we undergo as part of our education, is the importance of boundaries.
In a therapy session, the dialogue is supposed to be focused solely on the client and for the client. Any self-disclosure on the part of the therapist should be judicious, discreet, and based on the assessment that the client might benefit therapeutically from the share.
We are also trained to refrain from "dual relationships"- ones where we might be tempted to enter into another arrangement with a client: For example, if a client of mine is a massage therapist, I'm not supposed to hire her for a massage, because then I become her client, which could mess with our therapeutic alliance. We are meant to be caring for our clients, never the other way around. We try to keep things safe and professional, so our clients have that security and privacy.
But sometimes it gets a little more nuanced outside the therapy room, when appearing in public.
In my first session, I let clients know that if I see them in public, I will ignore then, to protect their privacy, but that if they want to say hello to me, I'm happy to reciprocate. This is fairly straightforward, and works well in these scenarios.
But sometimes there's a different kind of exposure:
When therapists write articles, books, or blog posts, lecture, create courses, or share info on social media, the tone is often more casual, and there is more personal disclosure than in the office.
There are gradations of propriety about what to share when, but there are few hard and fast rules.
I know for myself, there are some things I would share in a course product that I wouldn't put straight on my website. There are others that I would put in a blog post but not on social media. This is because I've come to know my audiences, and found a comfortable rhythm of what to share in which context.
Over the last few months, I've found another way to produce content. In my weekly email "schmoozeletter," I feel comfortable to tackle subjects that are a little more controversial and use examples that are little more personal, than I would on a public blog post or on social media. This is because this exclusive email audience has actively subscribed to this content, and to some extent they "know what they're signing up for." They don't stumble upon my article while traipsing through the internet, they deliberately request it because they've come to know me, and are interested in these perspectives.
I love having this platform, that's less public, more personal, and more curated. I value having readers who invite my content into their inboxes weekly, who often engage with constructive replies, indulge my discussion about delicate topics, and help weigh in on what new digital project to create. I recognize that an email list is still not confidential, it's still a professional avenue- meant to serve, not to vent, that clients can and do subscribe to it (and I welcome that.) At the same time, this email platform still feels more intimate, and I'm grateful to have people in this space which helps me practice and refine my writing, opinions, and perspectives. So if you enjoy this blog, and would like to see more writing like this, but a little more personal, casual, and sometimes opinionated, feel free to subscribe below:
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com