“Every year, I struggle with this, when the Yomim Nora’im come around. I want G-d to forgive my misdeeds, so I need to forgive others. And I really try to. If someone owes me money or hurt my feelings, I can really let it go. I’m not a spiteful person; I don’t’ have enemies. But there’s this one thing. My daughter’s teacher in high school- a Rabbi, by title, said and did awful things- not just to her. We are still working through the emotional issues that resulted in both what he did and how the school mishandled it. We didn’t want to be public about it, mainly for the girls’ privacy. But we tried to confront him and the administration, and it was completely denied and stonewalled, even when proof was offered. Worse, any students or parents who spoke up were dismissed, shamed, marginalized, or threatened. We tried to protect our child and help her, but it had already happened, with serious repercussions, and all we can do is help her heal. To this day, there has been no acknowledgement, no apology, no attempt to make amends. Now, I don’t know how to forgive him; I guess I don’t really want to. I hate going into the new year with this on my head.”

A heart-breakingly common story, one that is hard to discuss openly.

How does one forgive someone who hurt a child? How does one forgive the impenitent? Should we even try?

I’m not here to pretend to have the answers to these difficult questions.

There are those who would say that forgiving is not for the benefit of the offender, but for the mental health of the wronged. I’m not so convinced that’s always true. Not everything is forgivable.

I do know that G-d has little tolerance for those who hurt the innocent without remorse.

I don’t know the Halachic ramifications; I’ll leave that to the Torah scholars to debate.

I don’t know if there is objectively sound psychological guidance; every situation has its own human variables. And every individual has her own inner compass.

But I do know that both parents and survivors of scholastic and religious abuse deserve to be acknowledged. That this isn’t a hush-hush rare and random occasional mistake, but a widespread institutional phenomenon that requires societal repair, beginning with the complicity administrations and bystanders who allow this to go on. And not penalizing those who try to speak up and advocate. We need to do better.

I don’t know if or how you forgive someone for hurting your child.

But I don’t believe that our merciful G-d would hold that against you in the meantime.

 

*This post is dedicated to the countless survivors of school-based abuse of all kinds, and their families, especially those who don't feel safe to say this themselves.

Wishing you healing, health, and happiness. *

 

 

Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?

Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?

(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)

Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.

It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.

Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.

Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.

It’s determined by and customized to each couple.

There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)

When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.

Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?

The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)

The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.

Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:

“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.

I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.

It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.

Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!

The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”

Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.

Check out my course!

A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret

Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com

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