The more I know, the less I know.

Do you relate to this?

I sometimes look back at words I wrote with such conviction when I was younger, and realize now that either I no longer agree with my hot-headed earlier self, or I see the issue with more complexity and nuance. Age, in many ways, sharpens my perspectives while softening my rough edges.

The Torah describes how in the desert, G-d led the Jews with a pillar of fire at night, and a pillar of clouds in the day.

On the surface, this offers visual and sensual contrast: the night is cold and dark, so fire warms and lights the way. The glaring midday sun is harsh, so clouds offer some shade and protection. It’s practical.

But I was thinking that this could also be viewed as a metaphor:

We have moments or mindsets that feel like the night- cold and dark; we’re lost and confused. In those times we need the fire- the light and the heat, symbolizing knowledge and passion, to show us the way.

But we have other moments or mindsets that can feel like the midday blaze: we have such strong feelings and opinions, that it requires some obfuscation. A clouding over, to protect ourselves and others from our own dogmatic intensity. When the sun of our minds is too strong for our own good, and can burn or scorch, we need to shade and hydrate it with balance.

These tools are how we protect ourselves from the poles of apathy and extremism.

When I feel lost or confused, I need light, knowledge, passion, heat, direction.

When I feel hot-headedly opinionated and rigid, I need tempering and humility.

We need fire and water, light and shade, darkness and light: contrast creates depth and equilibrium.

This holds true religiously, politically, emotionally, intellectually, and interpersonally.

There are situations and people who require more fire, and others who need to simmer down.

This was G-d’s gift to us in the Clouds of Glory, which we commemorate with the Sukkah and read about repeatedly in the Torah. The Jews in the desert vacillated between overwhelming clarity and paralyzing doubts. They needed bolstering from both ends.

The Yomim Norai’m were intense, powerful, intimidating. The days of Sukkos are joyful, celebratory, shaded from the direct sunlight. They are a reminder that the whole point of spiritual development is to translate it into practical, physical action, growth, connection, and joy. And to me, that sometimes I need to warm up, and sometimes I need to chill out.

 

 

Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?

Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?

(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)

Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.

It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.

Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.

Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.

It’s determined by and customized to each couple.

There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)

When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.

Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?

The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)

The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.

Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:

“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.

I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.

It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.

Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!

The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”

Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.

Check out my course!

A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret

Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com

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