What’s the point of life?
People actually google this; we are so desperately seeking meaning and truth.
(Sometimes. Sometimes we seek ice cream and area rugs.)
The book of Ecclesiastes, Koheleth, which we have the practice to read during the Sukkoth holiday, chronicles how King Solomon, Shlomo, grappled with this question.
A running theme of the book is the phrase: “hakol hevel”- all is ‘hevel.’
But what is “hevel?”
It’s usually translated as “vanity” but that’s not accurate.
It really means, air. Not random air, but air that is breathed by humans.
Air is vital for existence, but it doesn’t have inherent value; it’s a necessary fuel for living. What we do with the air we breathe, how we utilized our oxygen by transforming it into cognition, words, and actions, that’s what defines and expresses our uniqueness, our humanity, and our choices. Hitler breathed air and heroes breathe air. Air is everywhere, and necessary, but it’s only a tool in the hand of the artist.
King Shlomo says that ultimately, everything is like that: a tool that can be utilized and molded by our free will.
I love linguistics (I actually majored in abstract linguistics in college, because I liked the schedule of classes.)
Biblical linguistics offers a deeper dimension of philosophy; words and letters have layers of meaning and symbolism.
The Hebrew word hevel is one of those awesome words whose letters have meaning in every permutation. It’s comprised of three Hebrew letters, so they can rearrange into a total of 9 words. Let’s take a look at all these words and see how their complexity plugs back into the verse and answers our original question:
The first thing we notice is that the word is exactly the same as Abel, the victim of the first homicide. We don’t know a lot about Abel, other than what he did for a living and that he outshone his brother’s offering and was killed for it. Dying before he could self-actualize means that he is a symbol of unfulfilled potential. Hold on to that thought…
One version of the letters means “anxiety” or “hurry.” Murray Bowen, one of the founders of family therapy opines that anxiety is the protoplasm in which humanity floats. It is chronic and ubiquitous, and our task is to navigate and channel this existential angst and urgency within relationships and functioning.
Another arrangement means “flame.” King Solomon also teaches that: “the flame of G-d is the soul of man.” Fire represents the soul: energy, passion, light, heat, and spirituality.
Two of those words mean “heart.” The Talmud teaches us that:
“Our compassionate G-d wants ‘heart.’” G-d cares about our intention and our feelings, even when our actions don’t always follow through.
Another version of the letters means to spend, as in using or investing time, energy, money, or resources.
Now, let’s loop it all together: (Are you still with me? This is heavy stuff…)
“What’s the point of everything in life, in the world?” asks King Solomon
He answers: “It’s all hevel.” Great, but what does that mean?
It’s all potential energy waiting to manifest. It’s infinite molecules in their excited, anxious states- in all different forms of existence, hustling, heating, exchanging currency, resonating, always vibrating. It’s fire- a mystical combination of physical and spiritual, fuel, and passion. It’s heart- it’s emotion, it’s love, it’s connection and intention. And it ultimately boils down to choices- how we spend these priceless resources: time, energy, matter, wisdom, and consciousness.
That’s what the cumulative meaning of “hevel” is and its answer to the ultimate epistemological secret - what each and every one of us chooses to make of it each moment and over the arch of a lifetime. It could be vanity and futility, or it can be as vital as respiration. It’s totally our call.
If you’ve always meant to read Koheleth, but never got around to it, feel free to join me. I just started a free mini class, 5 minute segments on each verse, each day, HERE. Enjoy!!
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com