Couples therapy is intense work.
Back in grad school, I had a professor say: “We’re not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.” At the time, I was young, arrogant, and naively idealistic, and I thought: “Well, I’m hoping to save marriages.” After years on the job, I’ve learned that he was right. While thankfully, most of the time, we do help clients save their marriages, sometimes, we have to support their other choices, and help them navigate them as smoothly and respectfully as possible.
When I’m working with a couple and they begin thinking that divorce might be the best move for their family, I almost always recommend beginning with a trial separation, especially when there are children, (and as long as there are no safety concerns).
Firstly, dissolving a relationship is a life-altering decision. It makes sense to try it out first before making it official. Yes, it makes the process longer and is uncomfortable. Divorce will be both anyway, and this eases the family into it.
Secondly, and this is something many couples don’t realize: Separation can serve another purpose.
When a couple has been running in circles around the same serious issues, and not making any breakthrough progress, separation can offer an opportunity to work on the relationship from another angle. Living in separate rooms or homes gives everyone a preliminary taste of what life apart would feel like. This might be a relief to one or more parties. But it also might shift perspective, give a chance for this distance to make the heart grow fonder, and more importantly, more able to figure out what could help salvage the relationship.
There are many couples who use separation as breathing room to figure out their respective feelings, needs, options, and desires. Often this yields insight different from what they see and feel when they’re together. Sometimes it clarifies the need to divorce, and sometimes it suggests that under all the pain, neglect, hurt and misunderstanding, there is still love, desire, willingness to do better, and potential to heal. The couple can use the separation as a means to cultivating better self-awareness and trying to repair the relationship.
Meaning: Yes, when a couple is seriously considering divorce, and most likely headed in that direction, often the first step is separation. And that’s tough.
But even if they’re not on the brink of divorce, but they’re deeply unhappy, and spinning in a repetitive cycle of hurting each other, a little space to think and try something different can offer real benefits. (This can also sometimes happen when the relationship was on the brink of divorce.)
So if your spouse (or your therapist) brings up the idea of a trial separation, even if it feels scary (it is), take a moment to consider the possibilities. Discuss the above ideas with your partner, and see if this might actually be a smart move to help you see what your relationship really needs.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com