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"Am I Normal?"
At the root of so many people’s questions, doubts, insecurities and fears, lies this niggling question:
And it shows up in a variety of permutations:
My thoughts, feelings, relationships?
And buried even deeper than that for many is the alternative:
“Am I abnormal? Dysfunctional? Crazy?”
The good news is that for most of us, the answer to both is usually “yes.”
“Do you know what the definition of normal is? Someone you don’t know very well.”
[And then there’s the quippy (if less intelligent): “Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.”]
Actually, normal means falling within a certain range on a bell curve, which can be measuring anything, comparing a unit to others in the same sample set, but we humans are more than statistics.
Norms are helpful for determining medical metrics like pulse and heart rate.
But when many clients worry about whether they or their circumstances are “normal” I often reply: “Don’t worry about being normal; normal is boring. Aim for healthy.”
We want to be individuals, we want to be unique, find our own voices, but motivation aside, we know what the fear is. As homo sapiens, we want to feel that we belong. We want to know that we fit with our tribes. That there’s nothing defective or inferior about us.
The two deepest fears we have are:
Am I enough? And: Am I lovable.
Enough to satisfy my own expectations for identity, and lovable enough that others will want me in their lives.
Sometimes it’s helpful to understand how we “rank” relative to the rest of the human community– if I think I have a beautiful singing voice, while in reality, my crescendo cracks glass, it’s useful for me to know not to quit my day job.
If I think I’m hilarious, but in truth, the crowd is cringing at my humor attempts, I need to learn to read the room.
If I think my parenting is en pointe but I might actually be harming my kids, I want to learn to do better.
I might think my car insurance rates are normal, when really I could be saving 15 % or more. (See above: cringey humor example.)
We’re all normal, we’re all abnormal, and we’re all unique in some ways, our own constellations of nature and experiences. And that’s what makes life interesting.
If you have concerns about your “normalcy” you could ask yourself:
“Is the way in which I deviate from the norm a problem? Does is or could it cause any distress or harm to myself or to others? If it continues would that be a problem? Are there any advantages to my differences?”
If the abnormality you see in yourself poses a danger or even a concern to you, by all means, speak to a professional. Even if what you’re worried about is benign, or considered advantageous, if it bothers you, talking it out with a doctor, therapist, or other appropriate specialist might help you understand yourself better and put your mind at ease.
If it turns out that what you noticed is of concern medically, psychologically, or in some other relevant way, they can help you figure out a way to either treat the issue or work with it. Which might beg another question:
“Is it normal to go see a therapist?”
One of the advantages of being a human is that we’re not meant to do life alone. We go to stores to buy food and clothes, to doctors when we’re sick, to service providers when we need help with our cars, plumbing, electricity, or legal needs. There’s no more shame in speaking to a therapist when something is on your mind than seeing an eye doctor if you think you need glasses. It’s all perfectly normal.
It’s even normal to see a therapist if nothing in particular feels off, but you just want to explore your inner world in a safe, confidential, guided, empathetic space.
If you’re wondering about your own well being in this way, and/ or thinking about speaking with a mental health professional but not sure about how it works, you might want to check this out.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com