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Why Do Some Clients "Do Better" in Therapy than Others? Seven Factors Satiisfied Clients Share
Have you ever noticed that some people will swear that therapy totally changed their lives for the better, and others will say they’ve tried repeatedly and gotten nowhere? Still others will say they don’t even believe in the idea of it- that it’s just a waste of time and money.
It could be just a case of “strokes and folks,” but I think there might be a little more to it than that in some cases.
Now, if you’re in that last camp, and you believe that therapy is just a bunch of hogwash, then far be it from me to try and change your mind. (Although you might want to ask yourself why you’re spending your time reading a therapy blog…)
And if you’re in the first group, and you love your therapy, then I’d actually love to hear from you: what, in your opinion, made or makes your therapy successful?
Yes, a good therapist of course, but I’m wondering if there’s anything you can take the credit for doing on your end, that contributed to your desired outcome. (This is not a rhetorical question: feel free to email me your replies: speaktosomeone@gmail.com )
But what about the folks in that frustrating category of “I’ve tried therapy so many times and got nowhere?”
Is it because your problem was too severe for therapy to be effective? Maybe, but I’ll bet you could find others with similar diagnoses, traumas, or symptoms, who might say they did find therapy at least somewhat helpful.
Is it because the therapists you tried were incompetent? Maybe. But if you tried more than one or two, and you didn’t just pull a name out of the yellow pages (or google) then chances are you chose clinicians who were reputed to have effectively helped others with similar problems. So maybe they’re not entirely incompetent and there’s something else.
Maybe they were simply not a good fit for you. Now we’re getting warmer.
(By the way, feel free to disagree with any of my logic here.)
While therapy is not a magic bullet (for anyone, even the therapy-evangelicals) there do seem to be some people who are more receptive to its help than others. More specifically, not just people, but habits, beliefs, and practices of therapy clients that make them more likely to reap its benefits.
It’s not even specifically hopefulness, because part of some disorders, like depression and anxiety, is that they rob you of hope (at lease sometimes.) But there are seven general features that many “successful” therapy clients seem to have in common:
*Taking the time to formulate and understand their reasons for seeking help, as much as possible
*Knowing how to choose the right therapist and modality for their work
*Being willing to be educable and open-minded within the therapy process
*Learning how to offer the therapist honest, clear, and relevant information in sessions
*Knowing how to identify and address the obstacles that arise in therapy
*Understanding how to utilize the other 167 hours of the week to maximize the therapy work
*Knowing how to apply therapeutic tools and growth beyond treatment
There is a lot more to be said about each of these categories, and I’m sure many readers can think of other examples (which I’m always happy to hear! Again, seriously, email me:)
But these are the umbrella categories that seem to be the “difference that makes the difference.”
Therapy, when it goes well, is a one-hour weekly investment that upgrades the rest of the week and sometimes the rest of your life. Learning how to “work therapy well” by developing the simple skills listed above, can upgrade the entire therapy experience, which can be an entire lifestyle upgrade. If you already see this, you know how true it is. And if you’re interested in learning more about it, then have a look at this.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com