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"I Was Molested by my Brother but Neither of Us Knew It"
Trigger Warning: This post contains sensitive content about child sexual abuse.
*Like all vignettes featured in this blog, it reflects not one specific true story, but a disguised amalgam of too many. It changes any potentially identifying information but preserves clinically relevant details.*
“I know this might sound strange. But we were kids. We were pretty sheltered- no TV or internet in our house, hardly any newspapers. Definitely no body- talk; safety or otherwise. My brother was eight and I was six when it started. He called it ‘the game.’ He would invite me into his room, and we would snuggle. Then, one day, he asked me if I wanted to play a game. It was a touching game. Something about it felt off and secretive, but it didn’t really hurt. He usually asked first, and he would reward me afterwards by playing a game of my choice- usually a regular game like cards, dolls, or board games.
“Over the next few years, he invited me in for ‘the game’ every so often. I wasn’t sure I liked it at first, and knew I dreaded it after a while, but he always seemed so into it that I couldn’t say no. At some point – I think when I was 8 or 9, and he was around 10 or 11, he just stopped. We never talked about it- not during or after. I’ve never asked him about it, but I’m sure he remembers. He was overall a nice brother, actually, and we had a pretty good relationship. I’ve never wanted to be alone with him since then; always keeping sort of an awkward distance. I had no idea about what our ‘game’ really was. I don’t think he really did either. We barely even knew the correct names of our genitals- much less what we were doing, or what it meant. I do know that we would always look away, embarrassed, when people would say the word ‘game’ and almost never went into his room.
“I guess I buried it somewhere in my head, but it stored as what I considered a ‘normal childhood memory.’ How would I have known otherwise? We just have our experiences and we don’t know how they compare to what’s ‘normal’ or healthy.
“I always attended all-girls’ schools, so I didn’t have much to do with boys or men until I got married. That’s when I started to get flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks. I didn’t even put it all together right away. But I knew when my husband touched me that I was not okay, and eventually I made a connection. Only at that point did I start to recognize the impropriety of ‘the game’ and the effect that it might have had on me. And maybe on him too, for all I know.”
This story is excruciatingly common. When people hear the word molestation, they might think of violence, adults exploiting children, intimate partner abuse, or workplace sexual harassment. But another form of molestation can seem more innocent yet have equally traumatic reverberations.
Some people feel that children touching other children sexually isn’t considered abuse. And it probably isn’t, as far as accountability of the “perpetrator,” in a case so young and uninformed. But from the vantage point of the victim, it can absolutely process as sexual trauma, psychologically and neurologically (although it doesn’t always.)
In many situations like this, neither child understands exactly what is happening, yet both can end up dealing with severe consequences for many years after. This happens in all kinds of families- including the ones you might not suspect. And it usually goes unreported. One tragic fact about incestuous molestation is how preventable many of the cases are through better education and supervision.
Children who experience sexual trauma are at risk for a number of mental health and relational problems, both in childhood, and beyond. These include (but are not limited to): depression, anxiety, addiction, eating disorders, sexual problems, fear of intimacy, and even suicidality. Neglecting to educate kids so they know what is ok and not ok as far touch can result in a tremendous amount of suffering- for kids and parents, and eventual partners.
On the other hand, teaching children about bodies and boundaries as part of honest, clear, safe, age-appropriate sex education can literally save lives and marriages.
*To learn more about this topic see this material or watch this video
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com