Were you taught to believe that “divorce” is a curse word? That we don’t even say the “d” word?
When I was a young, idealistic grad school student, a professor told us: “We are not in the business of
saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.”
At the time, I (arrogantly) thought: “Well, maybe those are your values. I want to save marriages.”
I still prefer to help save marriages, but I’ve learned that the truth is actually more like she said.
Often, I’ll get a client who tells me from the get-go: “Divorce is not an option.” I believe in honoring the needs and goals of the client. If a couple doesn’t want to discuss divorce then we don’t. But my general feeling is that if divorce is never an option, even as a worst case scenario, that’s a potentially dangerous paradigm.
Here is what I’m not saying:
I’m not suggesting that at the first sign of marital difficulty, spouses should start planning to separate.
I’m not saying spouses should habitually “threaten each other with divorce” over minor disagreements.
I’m not saying that everyone should actively consider or discuss divorce on a regular or casual basis.
I’m not saying that divorce is no big deal.
Relationships can be tough, and take some time and effort and work, (sometimes).
Particularly if there are children, I do believe it’s worth trying 150% to work on (most) marriages before considering a divorce.
But.
I am saying that there are some circumstances, in fact many, where it’s actually in the best interest of all involved, to consider ending the marriage. Even when working on a salvageable relationship, it’s important for both parties to know that if it ever becomes intolerable for either or both of them, there is a way out.
The classic, socially acceptable example that’s given is in the case of abuse. People will say “oh yes, well, that’s different.” But abuse is actually only one example of the various problems that may require ending a marriage. And other than the two individuals that are in it, no one ever really knows what’s going on behind closed doors. Couples (or individuals) who are making the difficult choice to part ways, based on their experiences, need support and empathy, not judgement or to feel scandalized.
Many remain in deeply unhappy or dysfunctional marriages because they fear judgement, recrimination, or even alienation from family, friends, or community, if they were to leave. Many also stay for other reasons, like finances, kids, or fear of being alone. It’s not for anyone else to tell people whether to stay or go- that decision must be left to the ones in the marriage.
And while ideally, people don’t generally marry with the intent to divorce, it’s important for those in pain to know that, divorce is an option.
Because if they feel it’s really not, then that’s not a marriage; it’s a prison.
Working on a relationship sincerely with the knowledge that if necessary it can end, is actually a healthier approach that can either lead to a carefully considered divorce, or a more empowered, intentional marriage.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com