Yitzi’s parents really thought they’d taught him enough:
“No one is allowed to touch you in parts of your body covered by a bathing suit. Most people are good and safe, but there are some other sick people out there who like to hurt children, and do bad things, so if they try to do that, you should run away and tell someone you trust.”
They checked off the sexual safety education box and thought he was now “safe.”
But when his bar mitzvah tutor, who was a trusted friend of the family, groomed and eventually abused him, it wasn’t anything like what he was prepared for. This guy didn’t seem to fit the bill of “sick ‘other’ who does bath things and likes to hurt children” and the abuse wasn’t as described either.
It began with him showing Yitzi extra attention, taking him out to celebrate portions of their accomplishments. There were seemingly innocent pats on the back, once a kiss on the forehead, a hug goodbye. The touch was always accompanied by compliments. Alone in the car, there was some petting, desensitizing, slowly breaching boundaries. The teacher let him watch some sports on his phone, as a reward, and then started teaching him “holy ideas about puberty that are good to know.” He eventually began showing him explicit material, showing Yitzi how “nice it feels” to think about things like this, that it feels even better to try, and, now that he’s “getting to be a man,” offered him the “privilege” of getting Yitzi to touch him, over his clothes. So when Yitzi had pictured a creepy, unfamiliar person, hurting him with violent, forced, skin to skin assault, this was not at all on his radar.
This all seemed “consensual” (note: an adult touching a minor in any sexual way is never consensual- even if it “is.”). It didn’t seem like a “sick, bad person”- it was a “normal” role model person. It wasn’t forced, it didn’t hurt; it was even sort of “pleasurable,” it wasn’t presented as a “bad thing,” and he was already with a trusted adult. And so it began, and so it continued. At some point, Yitzi had the vague sense that it was a little strange, but it came along with feeling special, and reassurances that this was just a new, exciting part of coming of age- a twisted version of sex education and bar mitzvah prep, coming from the wrongest possible source.
A “bad guy” would have been easier to run away from, or report to his parents.
The disturbing reality is that:
Most abuse occurs with known, trusted people in a child’s life.
Often the abuse is not as straightforward as “touching under bathing suit parts.” It can be over clothes, involve asking the victim to touch the abuser, using explicit language, and/ or viewing pornographic material.
Abuse is not always violent, sudden, painful or obvious- often it’s subtle at first, seductive, manipulated to seem enjoyable, and presented as a reward or privilege.
Pedophilia is so pandemically widespread, that it infiltrates everywhere- no community is totally safe, it’s not “other, sick, bad” characters, it’s not “crazy people out there,” it’s “regular, normal, good” ones that we see all the time, who’ve earned our trust, who we “least expect it from.”
Another excruciating reality is that not all abuse is premeditated or sinister. Tragically, many cases of abuse and molestation happen at the hands of older children and teens who have not been adequately educated about their sexuality, thoughts, feelings, desires, urges, safety, and body boundaries, and then act out their own sexual impulses on peers or younger children. Sometimes this happens as a one time experiment, other times it continues for multiple incidents and sometimes years, under the roof of otherwise loving, caring parents, who are completely unaware. In these cases, often both children are left traumatized. This is where “sheltering” kids can completely backfire and actually enable the exact issue the insulation is misguidedly meant to prevent.
Instead of painting potential abusers as predatory monsters, or people “out there” with a bizarre sickness, we need to face the nauseating fact that pedophilia is a rampant phenomenon, that child sexual abuse and use of child pornography are terrifyingly ubiquitous; they’re huge industries. That the face of an abuser can be, and often is, a warm, kind, familiar one.
Education needs to be ongoing, nuanced, unambiguous, comprehensive, and preemptive. Sexual safety is best taught incrementally, in the context of honest, clear conversations with parents, in ongoing, comprehensive, healthy sex ed, including information about psychosexual development, boundaries, different types of touch, relationships, and pleasure. Sexual education that is limited to only safety and danger can present a skewed picture of sexuality that creates only negative associations, shame, and fear, which can show up as sexual dysfunction in the teen and young adult years, and inhibit healthy sexual development and relationships.
Integrating both positive sexual education and safety as part of the parent-child dialogue can demystify, clarify, and reduce the likelihood of their being abused or abusing others. It can also increase the likelihood that they will be able to extricate themselves or come to parents if someone does try something, rather than allowing it to continue.
For those who worry about scaring kids with too much knowledge, please realize that the consequences of ignorance are significantly scarier. It’s specifically because pedophilia doesn’t usually present as an obvious “sickness” that it’s such a chilling threat.
Kids need to know that they can come to us with their concerns and we will believe and take them seriously. That if they tell us someone makes them uncomfortable, for any reason, we will see to it that they never need to be alone with them one on one. (Yes, even in school.) That they never have to listen to someone who tells them to keep secrets from parents, even and especially if they say bad things will happen if they’re told. Yes, we encourage “tattling.” That we will never shame or blame them for coming to us and telling us what’s on their minds.
*For more on how to teach kids healthy, safe, balanced sexuality, see this: elishevaliss.com/sacrednotsecret
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com