This piece originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times:
Dear Elisheva,
We think we may have an issue with our son and his Rebbe, and we’re not sure what to do about it. According to our son, who is in middle school, this Rebbe has been routinely picking on him and some of the other kids, in ways that seem unfair and unkind. I’ve heard the other kids joking about him playing favorites and randomly yelling at some kids “for no reason.” They say he makes fun of them sometimes too, calling them names, and also makes jokes putting down different groups of people. I’ve heard this from the kids in carpool for a few months now, but lately I even heard some of the parents talking about it at a kiddush. I understand that not every teacher will be a fit for every kid’s personality and learning style, but this feels like something different. Even on ‘meet the teacher night’ we noticed that his tone of speaking was a little sarcastic, kind of rough around the edges. Our son has always done pretty well- socially, behaviorally, and religiously (academically he’s about average, but it’s never been a problem either.) He didn’t love all his teachers and Rebbeim every year, but he loved some, and always got along with the others, and definitely never reported anything like this before. Over the last few months, he seems to be pulling back. He seems less happy, less confident, less interested religiously, and even a little moody. I don’t know if it’s all connected to the situation with the Rebbe, but he’s not himself, and we’re worried. We’re always told to support the school and the teachers when there’s an issue with a child, in order to model and maintain a respectful attitude and partnership with the Yeshiva. But I’m watching my son changing over the year, and not feeling good about this. Is there anything we can do?
Dear Concerned Parent,
Kudos to you for being tuned in to your child’s emotional experience and taking it seriously. It’s so painful to see a kid who’s been thriving, suddenly or gradually begin to struggle. And you’re right- it’s hard to know what’s really going on with him. Middle school coincides with puberty, and a lot of developmental, social, and hormonal changes and challenges that can totally affect mood and behavior. Many boys will be preparing for their bar mitzvahs and thinking about high school plans, which also invites new feelings and exploration of identity. But it would be remiss to ignore what you’re hearing in surround sound about your son’s experience with this Rebbe. Modeling respect for Yeshivas and Rebbeim is a value, but that doesn’t mean not speaking up if there’s a concern.
Schools have to run organizationally- they need to hire from a limited pool, they need to fund-raise, they need to be sure their systems are running efficiently. Administrators have a lot on their plates, and virtually every single school’s mission statement includes prioritizing the needs of each individual student. And while I believe they’re sincere in that intent, the reality is that they need to address students’ needs primarily as a collective. Because schools are collective; definitionally. Which is why it’s so important for parents to be attuned to, and when necessary, advocate for their children. Most educators and principals welcome open, collaborative dialogue with parents, in a constructive, problem-solving tone.
There’s a big difference between disparaging a Rebbe or a school, and validating a child’s feedback. Now especially, we’re seeing the devastating repercussions of adults allowing abuse to go unchecked in the name of not wanting to make waves with educators or other people in power.
Teaching is like other professions, in that there is a spectrum of performance. Many teachers and Rebbeim are superstars- warm, loving, creative, caring, wise, and gifted, may G-d bless and multiply them. Some are mediocre- they get the job done, no fanfare, no foul. Some are incompetent, yet innocuous. But some are subpar. Some of these are physically abusive, which is egregious, and some are emotionally abusive which is also unconscionable. I believe that schools try hard to get as many wonderful educators into their classrooms as possible, filling in as needed with the average ones, and that they try to weed out the bad apples in the interview process, when possible. But it’s not a perfect science, and there’s pressure to fill positions. I also imagine they rely heavily on feedback from families to know how the relationships between the teachers and their demographics are working out.
I recognize that as of now, your impressions of this Rebbe are based on some kids’ reports, not witnessing much firsthand. And while I’m sure it happens occasionally that a decent teacher gets an unfairly poor reputation among the kids and parents, generally, when you hear similar things repeatedly from multiple students, you can get a pretty good idea of what’s happening.
The first thing you’ll want to do is let your son know that you’re hearing and seeing him. Ask him if he’s ok, if anything else is bothering him. You can tell him you’ve noticed he doesn’t seem like his usual happy self lately, and that he can talk to you about anything at all. If he brings up the Rebbe, try to listen in a calm, nonreactive, not-alarmist, and nonjudgmental way. Don’t tell him it’s chutzpadik or lashon hara, don’t tell him that whatever a Rebbe says is right, or that he must be mistaken or exaggerating- just listen and ask clarifying questions. (Also don’t say things like: Wow that Rebbe sounds awful.) Ask him what he thinks and feels about it all. If what you’re hearing is indeed troubling, such as examples of verbal abuse, or clear, ongoing humiliation, you can absolutely validate your son’s discomfort with that, and gently confirm that “in our family, we believe in being kind to and about others- even if they’re different from us, and especially if they’re there in the room.”
What to do next is tricky. A toxic Rebbe experience, particularly at that formative age, can severely affect a child’s development- emotionally and spiritually, often in ways that last beyond that year. I always think that if a weekly therapy session can be life changing, imagine how much impact is made from many hours a week under the tutelage of a teacher. I still have vivid memories of lessons learned in elementary school- the Talmud says: What you learn when you’re young isn’t forgotten. For better and for worse.
Have you been in contact with the Rebbe? Is he approachable? Do you have a working relationship with administrators in the school, whereby you could meet and discuss your concerns- discreetly, respectfully, and constructively? Is your son asking to switch classes? Is that an option from the school’s perspective? Does he have friends in a parallel class? Do you know if the Rebbe is kinder there? Sometimes, a switch to another class, or even a different school, is warranted, but those are not decisions to make impulsively, and not if he doesn’t want to. Unfortunately, there is no easy, quick fix for what you’re describing. If your son ends up staying in this class, and the Rebbe does too, he will need a lot of extra TLC, processing, and damage control from the home.
I do believe it’s possible to model respect for a Yeshiva and even for a Rebbe, while also disagreeing with something that’s going on there, and letting your son know that’s how you feel. (I realize this position could be seen by some as controversial.) I also believe that kids will have many teachers and Rebbeim in life, but only one set of parents. So if we need to err on the side of believing and supporting a child, even at the expense of alienating an educator, in order to preserve a healthy, trusting relationship with that child, and with his educational and religious experience, that feels like the wiser choice.
The good news is, most of us have survived the occasional bad teacher, and hopefully managed to heal and seek out healthier influences. Wishing you luck in whatever you choose to do, and hoping your son has many other positive role models in his life- now and in the future.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com