*This post is an excerpt from my schmoozeletter email. Subscribe to it for free here: elishevaliss.com/newsletter *
Once upon a time, there was a young, sincere couple, who married and loved each other. But they had one problem: Even after a few years of happy matrimony, the wife said she was having trouble enjoying physical intimacy. The husband felt bad about this, and went to seek advice from his Rabbi and mentor.
His Rabbi smiled at him, and said: "That's impossible."
The young husband, perplexed, replied: "What does that mean? My wife says she's not having pleasure and I want to learn what we can do differently."
The Rabbi explained: "You have a son. The Talmud says that if the woman climaxes first during conception, there will be a son. This means that your wife is definitely having pleasure."
The young man, trusting his Rabbi, but also his wife, left feeling more confused than ever. He told his wife what he'd learned, and she too was confused- they both felt ashamed, and left the subject alone for a while.
It was several years later that they finally sought professional help for their problem. A qualified, licensed therapist was able to educate them better about sexuality, and help them learn to generate consistent, mutual pleasure, including orgasm, which indeed had never happened before then, and fortunately, their marriage improved significantly. The woman later went on to pursue education to become a premarital educator within her community, with the hope she could do better for future brides.
This is a true story.
In recent years, there has been an increase in literature describing the mechanics of women's pleasure in the sexual relationship. Many couples mistakenly believe that the way women "should" climax is through intercourse. But statistically, the vast majority of women do not, and in fact experience their own pleasure through clitoral stimulation and other forms of nonpenetrative pleasuring. This doesn't mean they don't or can't enjoy intercourse. It means that there are other ingredients that need to come first. This is not a new idea.
In the Torah portion Tazria, it says: "When a woman emits seed and births a son.." The Talmud, in a couple of places, based on this verse, goes on to discuss the value of a woman "emitting seed first."
When I had learned this many years ago as a teenager, I thought this referred to ovulation. But a closer look at the sources would indicate that it seems to be discussing female orgasm. The Talmud, in Tractate Niddah, even explains that a man should be careful not to rush, and be patient and attentive during sexual activity so that his wife has time to become aroused and pleasured.
The "progressive" literature sometimes implies that this is a new feminist "discovery." But in fact, it was the way it should have been all along.
When couples tell me that a woman is not "enjoying sex," what I've learned is that often what they mean is intercourse. And this is often (not always) due to the fact that there is an expectation that the pleasure "should" be from intercourse, and the neglect of the other kinds of sexual activity that are more conducive to and necessary for female pleasure. Often (not always), once the knowledge and practice of mindful outercourse is incorporated, it's a total game changer for the couples.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com